Melodi’s In It to Irwin-It!

UQLS Presidential-Elect and Social Media Connoisseur, Melodi Kizil, receives covetable celebrity endorsement.

More exciting updates from the UQLS presidential campaign trail! This morning, The Obiter received exclusive word that Melodi Kizil’s election campaign has caught the attention and admiration of a familiar face across the pond.

In a stroke of Wicked genius, Kizil subtly demonstrated that she’s both tapped into the zeitgeist, and a bona-fide member of Group 7. We are of course referring to her first campaign TikTok, which referenced last week’s Wicked Night on Dancing With The Stars, this season of the US reality competition show having taken the internet by storm. Honestly it’s no surprise she’s on the pulse, likely thanks to spending 25 hours a day parked on the LS Office couch trawling Pinterest, Canva and TikTok as Designs Officer this year.

Now it seems her shout out has captured the attention of one Robert Irwin. The 21-year-old Aussie national treasure is currently competing on the show and has been a clear front-runner from the beginning, evidence that even Americans would rather cheer for literally anyone but one of their own right now.

Speaking of presidents, Irwin had this to say of Kizil: “Crikey! Melodi’s running an absolutely ripper campaign! Inclusivity, responsiveness and authenticity are fair-dinkum policies. I love them almost as much as I love posing half-naked and showing off my snake (Editors note: we assume he was referring to his recent campaign for Bonds, otherwise clearly it hasn’t taken long for Hollywood to corrupt Australia’s sweetheart…)

In sum, on behalf of literally the entire world, we are incredibly jealous. Also Mel if you’re reading this, please can you get us an autograph.

Rae-cking Havoc! An Opinion Piece

Is Harry Rae’s populist agenda a breath of fresh air, or the greatest threat to UQ Law since the Valedictory arsonist?

In the wake of AGM Advanced Nominations closing, one presidential hopefully is wasting absolutely no time forging (or dare we say aggressively bulldozing) the campaign trail.

Harry Rae, notorious social media Luddite, has seemingly changed his tune, in the space of 48hrs earning a spot among Facebook’s Top 10 most prolific creators. According to a credible insider, Rae has indeed made so many posts in his Facebook event page that his account was temporarily banned for suspicious activity.

Perhaps even more bizarre than his newfound affection for influencing are his policies. Adopting a populist persona rivalled only by the likes of Trump, Bojo, and that rabbit from the Secret Lives of Pets, a sample of Rae’s proposals include:

• Scaling down the marks of Laws/HASS students (Paul Ramsay is rolling in his grave)

• Banning all talk of mooting in the LS office and replacing it with conversation about high school debating (as if UQ Law students weren’t insufferable enough)

• Replacing Suri with a women’s cricket comp (fair cop there)

• Vaping in the advocacy rooms (maybe this bloke actually has a good point)

• Giving the Jessup mooting team a day off (nvm, this is straight up sacrilege)

Most perplexing of all is that for all of his fanfare and showmanship, Rae insists vehemently that he ‘really doesn’t want to win’ the election. It’s more than safe to say that this week’s antics have had the UQ Law community collectively scratching their heads, and pondering the question: ‘respectfully mate, what is going on?’

Is this spectacle a bewildering act of defiance against the generous hand that’s fed him in his role as Education officer? A Louvre-heist-esque coup in broad daylight, orchestrated by the SMP Faculty? Or is it all just an elaborate comedic performance art piece, precursory to a genuine campaign to be 2026’s Obiter Editor-in-Chief?

One thing’s for certain; we’re most definitely in for one of the UQLS’s most interesting presidential races in modern history.

Watch this space.

In a surprise to absolutely no one: VP (Sport) Unopposed for Sixth Year Straight

Is Max Spork a member of the shadowy "Sportfolio" cabal? Analysis inside.

For the sixth year in a row, a privileged straight white male has been returned unopposed as VP Sport of the UQLS. Allegedly established by VP Funnell '21, the mysterious group known as "Sportfolio" has been pulling the strings of UQLS Elections for over half a decade. Their goal? Total control over the sporting life of the Law School. This devious cabal meets prior to the UQLS elections in what they euphemistically term the "Kit Room," buried somewhere in the tunnels beneath the great court (see cover image). There, they imbibe of the juice of the Milton Mango and plot.

When you look closely at the history of the VPs, the conspiracy becomes clear. Henry Spork (VP '24, His Excellency Spork I) paved the way for Maximilian Spork's accension by arranging for Beirne to succeed him. Beirne is now running for Deputy President. Does this group's lust for power know no bounds? Further, both VPs Watson ('23) and Spork I ('24) are recipients of the W.A. Garske Prize for Best Male Windsurfer, named in honour of the VP Sport ('22), who represented Australia at the Annual Wolfgangsee Windsurfing Championships at Strobl. It would not surprise this correspondent to see this nepotistic awarding continued for VP-Sport-Elect Spork II.

Our VP-Sport-Elect has been preparing for this moment for years. He has played a variety of sports for the UQLS: touch, netball, rugby, soccer, rowing, Gaelic football, and sepak takraw. His successful captaincy of the UQ Law Rugby Team is well known. He was Vice-Captain of the UQ Law Barbarians, who represented the Law School internationally at the Henley Royal Regatta. He leaves us with no choice but to recognise his unsurpassed credentials for the role. Perhaps this was his, and the “Sportfolio's” goal all along.

The Eve of Comedy Debate: A Poem by the Editor-in-Chief

‘Twas the night before Comedy Debate, and all through the sharehouse.

Not a palm card left blank nor an idea un-thought out. 

Harry Rae was off book by three evenings previous.

He’d hit the sack by 6.30, the routine of a genius. 

Annie Khoo on the red bulls, we’re all unsurprised, 

She’d not prepared this hard since LAWS3705. 

Charlie Hoare sat composed, cunning wit now on lock, 

The QUT team, he was ready to mock. 

Georgina Whittle left pilates, there was work to be done, 

The queen of a joke, she invented ‘the pun’.  

Kitty McNaughton skipped White Lotus, the gay brothers can wait, 

She prepared her rebuttal. Some would call that ‘check-mate’. 

Luke Allen worked late in sky prison, logging billables galore, 

No debate prep required. Allen’s a veteran - he knows what’s in store. 

Arwen Keith closed their laptop, the speech was complete,

They knew one thing was certain: QUTLS Defeat. 

Will O’Quinn was hungover, the weekend haunted him so, 

He whispered softly to himself, ‘time to be funny, bro’. 

Sienna Davis hit her vape, beaming with pride. 

She knew that her team would win in a landslide.

Valid excuses for why you should NOT get a ticket to the Comedy Debate

Trick question: there are none, you slacker! 

Actually, there are a couple of excuses that may be valid on a case-by-case basis:

1. Hospital emergency

2. Probably any other emergency 

3. Dentist appointment 

4. Dog ate your homework 

5. You’re performing at the Melbourne Comedy Festival Gala 

6. You would have loved to come but just during work today you started to get a sore throat and probably it’s best you rest tonight as you think you might be sick, but you’re keen to catch up sometime soon and so sorry for the last minute bail, but let’s grab lunch next week at work if you’re around and so sorry again because it would’ve been great to catch-up tonight 

7. Cyclone Alfred 

8. You’re going to Heathrow airport to run through security and say goodbye to your one true love because she is going to America 

9. Covid-19 


 If none of the above applies to you, get a ticket mate!

Year 7 Debater fired into the sun after going five seconds overtime

“Ding, ding, BOOM!”

 The rules were simple:

“Speakers will speak for four minutes, with a warning bell at 3 minutes, a double bell at 4 minutes, and an inter-continental ballistic missile firing them into the sun at 4 minutes 30 seconds if they fucking dare to speak overtime”.

But for first time debater Edward Johnston, 11, it was a step too far.

So caught up was he in his third affirmative speech, rattling through all the fundamental flaws in his opponents’ arguments, that he didn’t heed to warning of the first bell.

By the time the double bell sounded, he still had 2 palm cards left, and an entire summary of his team’s case.

In a desperate attempt to salvage the situation, Edward sped through his points, but just as he got to his final sentence there was a rude interruption.

“For all these reasons, we are so proud to prop-” BOOM! The timekeeper, 10 year old Sarah Thomas, pressed the big red button on the timekeeper’s desk, sending Edward hurtling through the roof, out of the Earth’s atmosphere, and into the sun where he promptly died.

Onlookers were stunned, but Sarah only had six words to appease the shocked masses: “Don’t say I didn’t warn you”.

More to come.

Temu Trump Wants To 'Make Plagiarism Great Again'

Educators collectively groan as Dutton demonstrates academic misconduct can get you surprisingly far in life.

This week Opposition Leader Peter Dutton proposed a referendum on deporting all dual citizens convicted of criminal offences in Australia. If you’re feeling a sense of déjà vu, like you’ve heard something like this in the news already this week, you’d be absolutely correct. It’s all part of the prospective PM’s unorthodox, yet apparently very effective new campaign strategy: plagiarism.

 Dutton’s announcement comes not even a week after several similar deportation-centric policies were implemented by US President Donald Trump, making this the latest in a spree of Dutton unashamedly copying Trump’s homework.

From plans to end work-from-home arrangements, to slashing the public service workforce, to baseless claims that DEI policies are to blame for all that’s wrong with the world, Dutton might as well have copied and pasted the Wikipedia page for Trump’s first three months in Office. He’s even suggested an equivalent to Elon Musk’s ‘DoGE,’ which unfortunately for Zillenials evokes not only the usual sense of impending political doom, but also irritating memes of illiterate Shiba Inus.

 In an exclusive interview with The Obiter, Dutton gleefully remarked “Why do the work when you can just copy someone else’s"? In the real world, there’s no Turnitin score or Academic Misconduct allegations to hold you back. Take this as a sign kids, with a little grit, a little determination, and absolutely no moral compass, you too could be a political leader like me!”

 School teachers, university lecturers, and Australian academic authorities alike are at a loss for how to proceed given Dutton’s public promotion of plagiarism. “Honestly what’s left to do at this point?” lamented India Pilly, a high school teacher from Brisbane. “If one of the most powerful men in Australia, potentially our next Prime Minister, is proof that plagiarism is the key to success, what hope do I have convincing Billy from Year 9 not to use Chat GPT to do his History Assignment? Honestly, I don’t get paid enough to care about this shit.”

 This new strategy has seen Dutton dubbed ‘Temu Trump’ which evidently could not be more accurate. After all, he’s a disappointing knock- off, worth a lot less money, and (based on the Liberal Party’s recent record) will be replaced within a matter of months.

​​Waiting for Coffee Outside Merlo starting to feel like Claiming Baggage at Airport

The ‘I cannot walk in a straight line’ syndrome has finally broken out across UQ’s St Lucia campus, worse than ever before.

John Walkright (21) has told Obiter journalists that this past Monday was the “worst of his life.” According to Walkright, university students all over St Lucia have decided that 2025 is the year during which first and fifth year students alike have given themselves a free pass to neglect both driving rules and concepts of spatial awareness.

Walkright’s troubles really began during the Cyclone Alfred lockdown, as he waltzed into Coles to grab his weekly helping of Marvellous Creations and a bag of grapes. An anxious customer had run over his foot with a trolley filled with toilet paper and six hundred cans of baked beans. Whilst he admits the bandage ruins his nonchalant Birkenstock-boy sorta vibe, Walkright was still keen to return to uni this week.

At approximately 7:50am on Monday morning, accelerating to the average pace of 67km/h down Fred Schonell drive, Walkright nearly rear ended two cars in front of him rolling along to the speed of 20km/h. He looked around for a road safety camera, but could find neither this nor clear signage with similar messaging to, ‘It’s okay to drive like an idiot today.’

Walkright’s troubles didn’t end here. As he patiently waited for his triple shot long black beside the wall of towering Merlo milk crates, he completely lost sight of the coffees being churned up to the dispensing counter.

“They’re just like pigeons, flocking around the counter right after they’ve ordered,” he told the Obiter. “I ended up with an eight ounce soy flat white today because two people stole my coffee. What soy flat white drinker is grabbing a long f**cking black?! It’s got to be the first years.”

His troubles not yet over, Walkright tried to exit a classroom during a tutorial break and walked right into someone entering class halfway through. He then performed what may have looked like a breakdance to passers-by – those steep law library stairs had sure proved to be a challenge as he tried to skirt someone walking up the right hand side, eyes glued to Block Blast on their phone.

Unsure when this epidemic of reduced common sense will end, Walkright has told the Obiter that if it happens again tomorrow, he may (accidentally) kick someone in the face.

TC Alfred? Please. Try TC Beirne (School of Law)

UQ law students reportedly ‘not phased’ amongst the aftermath of the category 2 cyclone. Why would they be? They’re already weathering the hardest storm known to man: an LLB(Hons) at UQ.

“Just another day in the life!” is the resounding sentiment echoing throughout the hallowed halls of the Walter Harrison Law Library.

This Alfred palava has revealed that, apparently, going multiple days – with survival dependant on non-perishables, little water, and low lighting – is scary for most Brisbanites. Thankfully, a small group of adequately climatised individuals made themselves known to the Queensland Premier, David Crisifulli-of shit. UQ law students stepped out of the shadows (literally – can someone please install suitable overhead lighting on Level 4) to speak at multiple press-conferences, providing some very constructive advice on surviving a cyclone.

“Yeah, see, unlike you suckers, we’ve been dealing with a TC for years now. TC Beirne. Category 6. Never heard of one of those, hey? Yeah. Didn’t think so.”

“TC Beirne is our normal. This Alfred chump was, excuse the pun, like a breath of fresh air!”

“You SEQ-ers get so riled up about cyclones. You should see what it’s like up in Cairns, or during the Torts I mid-semester take home!”

One UQ law student explained how she was very used to TCs – given Beirne, of course, but also because all the skinny rich popular girls and rowing blokes from her school are in her seminars.

Unsurprisingly, Brisbane got through Alfred. But not without the valiant leadership, and notorious humility of UQ law students. Who knew knocking down a few Red Bulls, talking shit, and getting nothing of note completed could get you to the other side of TC!

Etsy Website Literally Crashes After ‘Flood’ Of Cyclone-Induced DIY Craft Projects

Reminiscent of the ‘Covid Crafting Craze of ‘20’ when faced with adversity Gen Z reached for crochet hooks and watercolour paints.

Brisbane has been left reeling after another flood, but not the one you might be thinking of.

In the latest in a series of outages, from power to the stock of toilet paper at all supermarkets within a 100-kilometre radius, popular e-commerce website Etsy is the latest victim of ex-Cyclone Alfred’s tediously drawn-out wrath.

Etsy, best known for its handmade trinkets and craft projects, went dark this morning thanks to an unprecedented influx of amateur art projects uploaded to the site. Wonky knitted scarves, lopsided crochet bucket hats, and paintings tagged as “abstract” (which we understand to be code for “astoundingly average”) were uploaded in their thousands. A representative from Etsy remarked that not since the first Covid-19 lockdown had they seen website traffic like this.

The Obiter’s economic analysts enlisted a team of Anthropology doctoral candidates from The University of Queensland to make sense of this bizarre but increasingly correlative relationship between crises and crafting.

“We’ve observed this trend becoming gradually more pervasive in adults responding to public emergencies” explained anthropologist Homer Sapien. “Our theory is young adults who spent formative years consuming hours of ‘LaurDIY’ and ‘5 Minute Crafts’ videos have developed subconscious neurobiological instincts to do arts and craft in times of great distress, as a means of mental self-preservation. Not to mention, carefully curated Instagram stories featuring half-painted canvases and homemade Aperols give them the dopamine hits they’re missing while the pubs and clubs are shut.”

“So rather than traditional survival instincts where one might be compelled to gather food, medicine and batteries, our Gen Z colleagues instead feel a strong urge to forage for glitter glue and 2-for-1 yarn at Spotlight.”

Whilst this story might seem light-hearted on its face, the anthropologists expressed some concerns for the future of humankind if these patterns do represent a genuine shift in biological survival instincts. “I’m not sure how well these young people will fare if all they’ve gathered is overpriced acrylic paints instead of…y’know…food? Let’s just hope their crafting plans include macaroni art, then at least they’ll have some dry pasta to munch on.”

Deep stuff.