Pop icon Shania Twain, has caused shockwaves by meeting with the ghost of Nelson Mandela for lunch – and remaining deeply unimpressed. In her 1997 hit single, ‘That Don’t Impress Me Much,’ Shania remained unimpressed by a string of boyfriends, who either owned cars, were rocket scientists, or were literally Brad Pitt. Clearly, she had extremely high standards, with one ex-boyfriend saying ‘…I am literally a rocket scientist responsible for sending men to the moon. And I wasn’t good enough!’ However, it was believed Shania simply had high standards, and required men to be truly exceptional to ‘impress’ her.

This week, she dined with the ghost of human rights icon, Nelson Mandela. They had met to discuss Shania’s claim that she was the ‘Nelson Mandela’ of country-influenced pop music, and many were shocked that Mandela had somehow risen from the dead. But when questioned after the lunch at Hog’s Breath Café, Shania simply shrugged and said the reanimated corpse of one of the most influential figures of modern mankind ‘…don’t impress me much.’

‘After all, he’s a corpse. He can’t keep me warm in the middle of the night.’

Difficult to argue with that logic.

Prime Minister of Australia and absolute nerd, Malcolm Turnbull, has sent shockwaves through Australia with his 'sex ban.' Despite publicly claiming the 'sex ban' isn't actually a ban on sex for every Australian, it has been reported that Malcolm's hidden agenda is to ensure all sex is discontinued in Australia. Leaked cabinet files indicate Malcolm suggesting '...if I can't have it, no-one can have it!'

When The Obiter interviewed Malcolm, asking whether he knows just how cool sex is, he responded with the dubious claim 'I've had plenty of the sex. It's awesome. I just think it should be banned.' This is the sort of response only a lame, loser virgin would give.

Similarly, on Q&A this week, a brave audience member quietly asked '...lame loser virgin says what?' By responding with 'what,' Malcolm has confirmed to Australia that he is, in fact, a lame loser virgin. Of course he'd ban sex. By 11pm on that particular Monday evening, the Twitter hashtag "#MalcomIsABigOldNerd" was climbing to the top of the trending pages, indicating enormous public awareness.

An anonymous spokesperson from the ALP has suggested that, in order to strengthen electoral support, Bill Shorten will position himself as "Mr. Sex" in upcoming election campaigns, with potential slogans including "Shorten In Shorts - Sounds Sexy," and "Of Course He's A Ten, It's In His Last Name!"