'I'm Not Fuckin Leaving!' Announces Georgia Perry, Confirming Tilt For Second Term As Socials VP

‘It’s cowardly, quite frankly,’ the 22-year-old told supporters at a raucous campaign launch yesterday evening, taking a swipe at all nine of her fellow UQLS Management Committee members for failing to seek re-election.

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OPINION: Georgia ‘Pez’ Perry might seem beyond reproach, but don’t be fooled. No amount of exclamation marks in her advanced nomination can mask the darkness that lies within.

Be it the violent military coup to overthrow the elected 2022 Vice-President (Socials) and the subsequent annexation of Cloudland, or the stealing of Russell Hinchy’s speech notes before his address at Law Dinner, or her widely known views about the State of Israel, Pez simply can’t be trusted.

Yesterday evening’s address to a triumphant crowd of supporters at the steps of Forgan Smith drew chills from even the most ardent Russian separatists that sit on the 2022 UQLS Management Committee. If the nod to Jordan Belfort was a sign of things to come, it won’t be a bag of crisps that she’ll be handing out at First-Year Retreat next year.

What’s more is that her plans on infiltrating the press in 2023 appear as if they have succeeded; this may shock some readers, so viewer discretion is advised, but The Obiter can exclusively reveal that her and the sole Obiter-Editor-in-Chief nominee for 2023, William Cook, have been engaging in aggressive sexual relations for some time now. So this may be your last time to hear the truth. Heed my warning.

Karaoke, anyone?

Confident Geary Already Sourcing 2019 Law Dinner Dessert ‘Ketamine Soufflé'

The UQLS AGM will take place tomorrow. While both presidential candidates are expressing confidence, Candidate Geary has gone further than his opponent by commencing the planning phase for Law Dinner 2019.

In a move sure to excite some quarters and surprise others, Geary has already put some of his policies into motion, sourcing industrial amounts of ketamine in preparation for the dessert which will be served in a year’s time.

Despite the fact that the dinner will not take place until late next year, Geary has already dived deep into the minutiae of the event. According to sources close to the candidate, his main focus is the menu.

“Geary believes that the menu will need to reflect the tone of the society in 2019,” an unnamed aide told The Obiter. “That’s why he is looking into refreshing, new options for dessert, such as Ferg’s personal guilty pleasure: the ketamine soufflé.

“They’re just yum,” Geary reportedly told Nigella Lawson, who he confusingly contacted to gain assistance with the preparation of the meal.

“On a cold winter’s eve, nothing reminds me more of my childhood than snuggling up in front of the fire and enjoying one of Mum’s famous ket soufs. They’ll knock your dick off!”

Other menu items that Geary is considering include Stir Fried, Weed Risotto, and Carlton Dry Couscous.

More to come. More ketamine that is! Yum, yum, yum.

‘Law Dinner Isn’t Loose Anymore’ Says Geary Voter Who Woke Up In The Emergency Room

“I remember when Law Dinner was fully fucked,” said Damo Watson, a third-year student who intends to vote for Candidate Geary this Thursday.

Despite the claim, Damo drank like an absolute Tiddalick on Saturday night and ended up being wrestled into an Uber bound for the RBWH.

“I just wish we could go back to the days when people got a bit crazy at these events,” said objectively the most abusive patient to pass through the ER in months.

“I mean, people used to heckle the speaker, not just sit and listen,” continued Damo, who at one point in the evening stood on his chair during The Hon Justice Margaret Joan Beazley AO’s remarks and yelled “OI ERIN BROCKOVICH, WELCOME TO THE CHUNDERDOME!” before vomiting into his friend’s vegetarian option meal, a move that she said actually improved the taste.

“I guess the UQLS isn’t the same anymore! I’m pumped El Fergidente next year, I’ll tell you that for free!”

At press time, Damo was asking hospital staff if there was any video footage of his stomach pumping that he could post on his story.

More to come.

Sex Addict Deputy President Snares A Date With Ariana Grande

Not three days after the news of Ariana Grande’s split with Pete Davidson broke, it looks like our presumptive Deputy President, and erotic superstar, has scored a date with her.

The King of Sex and the Queen of Pop may be having a very fateful meeting at Grill’d Rosalie, with Bretz’s Instagram DM of ‘You up?’ reaping absolute dividends with the young pop star. Our reports indicate that the Deputy President has been spending the last few days preparing for his speech at the AGM - and preparing for his date later that night!

Let’s hope he orders a Simply Grill’d with a side of a successful encounter with Ariana Grande.

Ultimately, this presumptive Deputy President represents the society. And what could be a better look for our society than a gorgeous, sensual young man forming an emotional and physical bond with one of the most compelling musicians of our time. It is truly an exciting era to be in the UQLS.

As the Presidential race heats up, it’s reassuring to have some stability with the role of Deputy President. With Candidate Bretz, you know you’re getting passion, enthusiasm, and a willingness to grow to please others - and that’s before we’re even talking about what he’ll do in the UQLS!

Grande is certainly an extremely lucky woman, as is Bretz. And at the end of the day, that’s what makes this Grill’d date all the more exciting. We wish the candidate all the very best!

'Snacks & Chats & Hard-Hats': Hawkins' Attempt To Win Working Class Vote

In a smart political move, 2019 Presidential candidate Maggie Hawkins has all but ensured the working-class vote will swing her way after unveiling a tasteful, new style of Snacks & Chats during a campaign event on Thursday in St Lucia.

Dubbed ‘Snacks & Chats & Hard-Hats,’ the new event involves garnering working-class voters, who are wearing hard hats at the time, and chatting with them. But here’s the twist - there are also snacks involved.

One clear downside of the policy is due to the hard-hat criteria, Hawkins is likely to end up with several members of 1970s disco group Village People in attendance. But regardless, we think this is a smart move for a candidate looking to lock up the support of key groups.

As The Obiter’s internal polling indicated, the working-class vote will be extremely important to both candidates. And with Geary’s millionaire bachelor lifestyle counting against him, there was a clear opportunity for Hawkins to shore up support.

She did so in the most tasteful, delicious way possible, with a gorgeous platter making its way to the Snacks & Chats table, alongside the traditional Jatz Crackers and Mountain Dew in a UQLS mug (we know you can’t be drinking that much tea, members of the executive).

The platter included things that Hawkins might appeal to working-class voters: cement scones, cakes with drills in them, and yes, bacon-wrapped figs.

Adorned with sausage rolls and some aggressively kosher party pies, the platter was an absolute hit with those who might deliver Hawkins a victory.

This is a massive boost early for a campaign hoping to sweep Geary off his feet.

No more to come!

Sexy Bloke With Great Body Running Unopposed For Deputy President

Massive news coming out of the TC Beirne School of Law (although pretty soon it might have to be renamed to the TC Beirne School of Sex). An awesome, sexy Australian male with a fit body and a friendly attitude is running unopposed for Deputy President.

Before long, we might just find ourselves with a drop-dead gorgeous, charismatic, erotic figure being the second-in-command of the UQ Law Society. Due to the lack of opposition, both politically and in the arena of being just really attractive, it looks like Candidate Bretz will breeze his way to the secondmost powerful job in the UQLS.

It doesn’t matter who’s sitting in the Presidential throne, because with this charming golden god, a modern-day Adonis, in the chair of the Deputy President, all decisions will have to be fed through the watchful eyes of The Man With The Tight Body.

If this was a Sweeney Todd song, it wouldn’t be ‘The Worst Pies In London.’ They’d be singing about ‘The Best Bod In Brisbane.’ And it would be about the inbound Deputy President.

The constitution has apparently reflected the raw, animalistic sex appeal of the candidate, with any challenges to his nomination from the floor having to come in the form of a dance-off to Midnight Oil’s ‘Power & The Passion,’ a difficult song to dance to in the best of circumstances.

But particularly difficult when you’re dancing against the likely future DP, a man named HB.

Awesome news for the UQLS, particularly when this Presidential race is heating up already!

‘This UQLS Presidential Election Is Just Like Trump And Hillary,’ Says Student Unaware That Both Candidates Hate Mexicans

A sharp third-year Law student with his finger on the pulse of the UQLS has today made a pretty massive blunder, by comparing the two Presidential candidates, Maggie Hawkins and Fergus Geary, to Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, seemingly unaware of the fact that in this race, both candidates actually despise Mexicans.

What a doofus!

Bryan Branson (20) thinks he has a pretty good grasp of the political machinations of the UQLS. He went to Pub Crawl, he’s found his way in a Snacks & Chats, and he still quotes Law Revue to his increasingly irritated parents.

But the analogy drawn by Bryan in this instance is really just hopeless. Whilst there are elements of the 2019 UQLS President race that has clear parallels to the Trump/Hillary 2016 election, the key difference here is comments made by both Geary and Hawkins that highlight their genuinely racist opposition to Mexicans.

Bizarrely, both candidates have made ‘halting Mexican immigration’ a key part of their platform, alongside policies such as Geary’s cash prize for the family of any student who dies during a Pub Crawl, and Hawkin’s issuing compulsory copies of ‘What Happened’ by Hillary Clinton to every first-year.

Regardless of their platforms, I think we can all agree the most important issue in this election will be the one that is so, so hot right now.

Fiscal responsibility.

Cleisthenes, Founder of Democracy, Pretty Filthy He Never Thought of a Facebook Event

The 2019 UQLS Election nominations are in. So begins a week of campaigning, promises and scheming.

One aspect of the election cycle has particularly annoyed Cleisthenes, the father of Athenian democracy.

“Yeah I’ll be honest, these Facebook events seem to make it pretty easy,” Cleisthenes told The Obiter.

“It’s like, fucking hell, in my day I had to go around tallying votes on stone tablets. You know how hard it is to carve the word “Interested” into a stone tablet 87 times? I highly doubt you do.”

The ease of modern campaigning allows UQLS Executive candidates to reach members on social media. Cleisthenes, however, is not convinced. “They’re all soft. To win votes when I came up with this whole democracy thing, you used to have to fight your opponent to death armed with nothing but a souvlaki just to win the voters’ respect.”

Cleisthenes is adamant that sharing an FB event is creating complacent candidates. “You know what my event cover photo was? Sparta, mate.” More to come.

Asthmatics In The Law Library Suffer As Fergus Geary Smokes Fourth Cigar of The Morning

‘Mmmmmmmmm that’s the stuff,’ muttered presidential candidate Fergus Geary as he drew in a cloud of tar from his imported Cuban.

A thick plume of smoke could be seen trailing out of the UQLS office as the nominee sat relaxed, seemingly unperturbed by the first-year wheezing on the floor outside. The asthmatic student’s negative attitude to smoking did not seem to bother Geary in any way, who simply stated ‘If you can’t have fun, get out. If you don’t love it, leave.’

The Obiter caught up with Fergus to discuss his campaign. While the UQLS office is not officially Mr. Geary’s just yet, it appears that the heavy cloud of nicotine has scared off any of the current executive or would be users of the space.

We asked Fergus if he was worried that any of the current executive would ‘dob him in’ or whether this would hinder his run.

‘Not to worry, chief, I’ve had those squares ‘detained until further notice’ so there won’t be any of that bullshit goody two-shoes nonsense that this society has come to expect.’

Some of that ‘bullshit goody two-shoes nonsense’ seems to have been a strict policy against smoking five cigars by 11.30am, and the importance of that policy grew ever apparent as the dying coughs of the first-year grew ever louder, as the young man continued his seemingly inevitable march toward lung failure and death.

At this point, we heard a faint banging, and muffled cries of ‘Help, we are the current executive,’ from the one of the storage cupboards. As if on cue, men adorned in hi-vis scurried through the door and taking measurements and removing items.

‘I’ve imported the finest marble from a recently uncovered Venetian ruin and let’s just say this statue will highlight some of my more… impressive features. Whiskey, gentlemen?’

At this point a small crowd had gathered outside the office as the writhing asthmatic was being stretchered out of the library. Onlookers could be seen peering in to make sense of what was happening. With his trademark calm, Fergus reached towards a large Waterford crystal decanter and goblet set.

‘Don’t worry this is simply a temporary measure, once I’ve leveraged the UQLS’ budget and purchased 1600 Sir Fred Schonell Drive, we will establish a far more thorough base of operations.’

There will be so much more to come.

"Not This Time," Maggie Hawkins Whispers To Picture of Hillary Clinton In Locket

UQLS Presidential Candidate Maggie Hawkins has been hailed as a highly experienced and capable contender.

However, the ascension of Trump and Kavanaugh have made Hawkins wary of the very-recent, newly-developed trend of men to get pretty much whatever they want.

Witness reports of the candidate’s campaign rituals indicate that Hawkins is aware of the stakes.

“I shall not fail you, mother,” Hawkins was seen whispering into a small locket containing a black and white picture of Hillary Clinton. “You have suffered enough.”

The locket, which is silver and shaped like a uterus, was passed down through generations of impressive women. Forged by Joan of Arc, the piece of jewellery has been worn by the likes of Eleanor Roosevelt, Maya Angelou and Susie O’Neill.

Hawkins reportedly received the locket in the ma*l on 9 November 2016, alongside a note reading ‘Delete your emails – HC.’ Also in the envelope was an iPod nano with solely ‘Fight Song’ downloaded.

As the campaign heats up, Hawkins whispering has become more overt. At press time, the current Equity VP was kneeling before the locket, which she had placed upon the display desk in the Lawbry.

“My Queen, I shall not forsake you as Michigan doust forsake you. I shall use genuine experience to my advantage! Hail, hail!”

More to come.

Patrick Parkinson Runs For LGBT Officer

‘Fear of a name only increases fear of a thing itself.’

In a confusing move that is well and truly against the UQLS Constitution, as well as his literal job description, UQ Law School Dean Patrick Muhammad Parkinson is running in the UQLS Elections for the position of LGBT Officer.

A role within the Diversity & Wellbeing portfolio, it was widely expected the position would be filled by an engaged, enthusiastic young student who would become a relentless advocate for the LGBT community in the Law School.

But a certain P. Parkinson seems to have other ideas. When we requested an interview regarding his nomination, he simply stated ‘To beat them, I must become them.’ This might suggest Parkinson is attempting to infiltrate the queer community in a misguided attempt to ensure Safe Schools isn’t implemented? We’re honestly not sure at this point.

Regardless, Parkinson has formally nominated for the position, and will be expected to give a 2-minute speech at the AGM in support of his appointment to the role.

We cannot wait to watch.