President of the Dwyer Centre for Human Rights (DCHR) Lachlan Harper today launched into a bitter polemic against the policies of UQLS presidential hopeful Omar Harduwar, describing them as “unfair and discriminatory” to noted gimp Mike Fielding.
Harper, long an outspoken critic of oppressive anti-gimp regimes, said that despite his aversion to hitting the beers and famous ineptitude with the chicky babes, Fielding deserves to be treated with dignity. Further, Harper claimed the policy was specifically targeted at the third year Arts/Law student, who is physically incapable of smoking without descending into a minutes-long coughing fit.
While Harper has been labelled by some commentators as a radical, his charges are not without basis. Leaked text messages from within the Harduwar camp reveal a passionate hatred for Fielding in particular, who has reluctantly been called “Fieldo” by some of his “friends”.
“We need to get rid of this f*$&wit one way or another…” read one message from campaign manager Perry Prineas.
In a particularly scathing assessment, Harduwar stated that “the guy doesn’t even wear Stussy”.
While regarded by much of the UQLS as an inhumane jock, Harduwar has found support in fringe sectors of the UQLS electorate. Founder and disgraced former chairman of the DCHR Joe Dwyer described the policy as a “much needed wake up call to all the gimp fucks out there” and noted that his departure from the NGO was largely motivated by the growing proportion of gimps in its ranks.
Dwyer went on to say that his recent description of Fielding in a UQLS nomination as “Bradman-esque” was not in reference to his remarkable proficiency in attaining hundreds of ‘likes’ as a satire writer, but rather for his stunning ability to be a zero when it really matters.
The Obiter sought comment from Fielding, but he made some shit joke that we really don’t want to repeat for his sake because I mean its hard enough to like the guy already. He really is a bit of a gimp.
More to come.