Henry Spork seemingly has it all. Brains. Good looks. A funny last name. Though there is one thing he is lacking and that is crucial to his position as Sports VP: the ability to play sports.

“Guys call me Henry Sport because I play a lot of sports” said the prospective VP of Jocks Henry Spork, convincing no one.

The Sports VP is a sacred role destined for the law society’s biggest Jocks. It is a role reserved for only the biggest meat heads and one that gives them the safe space they need. Henry is no such meat head.

We all remember Angus Watson’s inspirational Sports VP speech, “Angus smash!”

This poignant speech encapsulates the importance of this role to the Neanderthals in the law school. We cannot let someone as sophisticated as the Sporkmeister take this role.

The Obiter investigated Henry’s sporting history and it is grim. Henry once played 5 minutes of social netball before coming off with a sprained ear (the whistle was too loud). Henry is actually quite proficient at pigeon golf, whatever that is, though that is not an internationally recognised sport.

We questioned Henry about his lack of sporting participation.

“Fine, I’m not a rugby meathead like Angus Watson, or a cricketer that peaked in highschool like Will Garske and Ben Funnell. But I do have one thing that they do not: heart. Also, I was a social sports officer and am completely qualified for the role.”

The Obiter was sincerely moved by these comments and now support Henry in his campaign for Sports VP.