Jack Patterson (21) is a Tarocash-wearing, Carlton Dry-drinking legend amongst his group of mates, who adore ‘Patto’ for his ‘lethal’ banter, and his ability to ‘totally own any SJWs or whingy girls who try to own us.’
But today this absolute weapon has unveiled his trump card in the field of being unnecessarily argumentative with those who hold honest and justified opinions, by commenting on every anti-horse-racing social media post with ‘but you only care one day a year!’
This nuclear option is not deployed lightly. Jack has spent the last several months devising this powerful slice of verbal gymnastics, this ultimate weapon of mass destruction, trotting out failed variants at Doomben every other weekend.
Comebacks which reportedly failed to make it through include ‘Yeah, but horses are fun to bet on,’ ‘don’t be a cuck,’ and ‘reply to my Tinder message, bitch.’
But after these months of experimentation, he has finally settled on ‘you only care one day a year’ as the masterstroke. Skillfully combining his trademark artful expression, and the sheer power of logic, ‘Patto’ can’t wait to deploy it on anyone who dares hold an opinion he disagrees with on Melbourne Cup day.
‘Seriously, just can’t fucking wait to use it against anyone who tries me. I’ll even do it against people in real life, just trying to have a chat with their friends.’
‘I’m an alpha. Watch and learn.’
Reports indicate the last time ‘Patto’ was sighted was face-down in his own Vodka Cruiser-tinged vomit, scrotum hanging out of his nylon suit pants, with a crowd of his mates taking photos of this ‘all-time great.’