"Vote Yes To The Voice?! But I watch the Block!"

Damien Smith [20], is a fan of the simple things in life. Footy, beer, skipping lectures, and watching yuppies from Sydney and Melbourne renovate houses. With all this talk of 'The Voice' going around, Damien spoke with The Obiter via Zoom to get his take in to the national conversation.

"I just think it goes against the Australian values of hard work, mateship, and equality. With the Voice, it's not like you have to work hard at it, you're just born with the ability to sing. On the Block, you watch some real work, even the girls are up before dawn on the tools, none of that airyfairy shit you see with all this Voice stuff. Like the Masked Singer, that's the weirdest thing I've seen on TV since I was in nappies and watching 'In the Night Garden.'"

"I've seen that Albo is in on it too with this announcing of a referendum. Doesn't seem very Labor, the unions usually stick up for the little man. Pretty bloody odd when Big Petey Dutton is the only one talking sense. I know he's voting against the Voice." 

"Yesterday, I called up Sky News, we see the Voice the same way. So I started saying about how the people on the Voice don't have to work hard and just do well from it because they were born that way, and the fella on the other end was agreeing. He even said that they want to steal our land! How are they gonna renovate houses if Sonia Kruger buys everything on the market!" 

“Then he mentioned Indigenous people for some reason. I study business with a few, and we all watch the Block. Not sure why they’d be supportive of the Voice.  

"Some people are still just racist I suppose."

He was interrupted by John Farnham's 'You're the Voice' blaring from the speakers of his iPhone 14.

"Sorry, I've got to take this, it’s Deloitte. Good talking to you mate."

[The Obiter supports the Indigenous Voice to Parliament]

Kathmandu’s Founder Seen Rejoicing At Brisbane’s ‘Cold Snap’

Brisbanites are clearly excited for their annual down-jacket stint as temperatures plummet to a daily average of 22 degrees

***

Our sources report that Jan Cameron, the great mind behind Australia’s favourite puffer, popped a bottle of Monet on Monday morning in lieu of the Channel 7 Sunrise weather report. 

“This is just wonderful news for us at Kathmandu. This month of Brisbane winter always yields our annual sales spike!”

Our reporters struggled to record Hillier’s insight over the Woohoos! and Hoorays! coming from her colleagues.

“It’s especially great for me given my living situation relies solely on the salary increase I get at this time of year.”

At this point, The Monet was reportedly going faster than the Kathmandu’s were flying from the shelves! (which is always surprising, given it’s never cold enough in Brisbane to justify purchasing a down jacket).

“Everyone said I couldn’t sell puffer jackets in Brisbane. The bloke from CityBeach said I was a daft prick. To him I say: enjoy this wintery draft, prick!” Cameron exclaimed.

“But I’m all about making the best out of bad situations. Just like how my family always used to call me ‘Jan-man-do’, because my hair styles always exuded a masculine air.” (Jan is pictured below)

It was at this point that our reporter noted that Cameron should probably lay off the drinks at 7am on a Monday.

“Little did they know that it was their trauma-inducing name-calling inspired the name of my hugely successful brand - I changed it from Janmandu to Kathmandu because I like Kath and Kim heaps!”

No more to come.

***

“They never supported my dreams of owning a puffer jacket boutique, but look at me now! All the fitspo girls, Ascot Mums, and Saturday-morning-Rugby dads need me!”

Jan! We SAID there was no more to come.

Alan Joyce’s Knack For Efficiency Lands Him Job As Translink Bus Driver

“I’m so excited to be assigned route 66!” said Joycey, excited to be 20 minutes behind schedule.

In a move that delighted jaded Qantas customers, Alan Joyce announced that he is no longer going to be the CEO of QANTAS.

“It’s time for me to move on,” he said “it’s time for me to follow my passion and become a bus driver.”

Head of Translink recruitment said they were delighted to poach Alan and his “particularly efficient skillset.”

Joyce has also said that he will act as a David Littleproud lookalike on weekends to earn a bit of extra cash.

The Obiter can report that Hollywood actress Vanessa Hudgens will replace Joyce as CEO, who, in her first public address, affirmed the public that “we are all in this together!”

Ezymart Goes Into Voluntary Administration After Government Announcement Of Vape Ban

On Tuesday, the Minister for Health Mark Butler announced the Government’s plan to make the sale of recreational vapes illegal in Australia.

The news that vapes can only be purchased from pharmacies with doctors prescriptions has devastated Australia’s newest and brightest chain of convenience stores.

The CEO of EzyMart has announced that they have to go into voluntary admission as there current business model is based entirely off vape sales.

“We can’t survive off selling Prime, Bang Energy and Reese’s Pieces alone,” he said.

“This is a particularly devastating blow for our workers, who have said that recommending vape flavours is the part of the job that gives them most satisfaction,” he continued.

EzyMart is not the only business hit by the news.

Family owned business Petras, who have serviced West End with vapes for half a decade, have announced they are transitioning into selling solely unmarked cigarettes and shishas.

There are also rumours that ChemistWarehouse will change its name to ChemistSharehouse to better tap into the new prescription vape market.

More to come (though no more vapes).

RM Wearing Australian Insists He Had It Tough Growing Up

With rampant inflation making life tough for many Aussies, RM-Australian and BEL Building local Alexander von Wankerstein-Ponsonby decided to share some tales from his working-class past with his fellows at the Aston by-election Young Liberal volunteer drive.

“Yes my old chap, the GFC back in ’09 truly hit us hard in Hamilton, I can definitely relate to all the working class Australians queuing at food lines.”

A chorus of sympathetic nods greeted his opener.

“I recall going to the RM store and not being able to get the Ostrich Leather Signature Craftsman made for my commencing prep at St Bartholomew’s. Daddy said I would have to tolerate the Comfort Craftsman! Can you imagine! A rubber soled RM!”

Chief Assistant Vice Under-Secretary of the Vaucluse branch, Montgomery Keanes was shocked into replying. “By God Ponsonby! You may as well get Blundstones if you’re going to do that!”

“Yes Monty, but that’s not even the half of it. We could only go skiing in Queenstown and had to sell up the Chalet in France. It was tough, but should make my future campaign to win back middle-class Australia a bit easier with that bit of relatability. Anyway, what seat are you good chaps looking at challenging the Teals for? Give them a bit of the old 1-2…”

Your reporter excused himself to go vomit in the manicured shrubbery. No more to come.

Year 8 Debating Team Solves Russia Ukraine Conflict by Adopting An Economic/Social Split

“Huh, I never thought about it like that”, said Putin after hearing about the ingenious decision made by the St Blues 8.1 Team.

Forget about the ICCPR and United Nations General Assembly, Jamie Bollinger and Becky Carlton are the face of Peace following their captivating appearance as the Negative Team against St Reds on Friday night.

Jamie tackled the economic effects of Russia’s conflict. Notably, she proclaimed that “Putin really needs to think about what he’s spending his money on”.

This niche take saw his opponents gasp in horror, scrambling for a rebuttle point. Reports confirmed the second speaker for the affirmative was heard, whispering, “I didn’t see that argument coming”. Well, it seems the second speaker for the affirmative and Putin share something in common!

The air was potent with Jamie’s conviction even after the ring of the 3-minute bell, rung by Michael Palmer. Michael was benched by the Blues for this round following a horrific performance as 1st affirmative last week.

Second speaker, Becky really brought the split home with an indictment against Putin and the social impacts of the conflict upon “kids just like her”. Becky ended with yet another excellent use of a rhetorical device, directly appealing to the President of Russia himself asking, “How would you feel if someone destroyed your house?”.

Sources close to the President confirm that Putin had never, in fact, considered such a hypothetical. Our sources also confirmed that Putin never realised that points could be split along social/economic lines and believes it is a game changer for international relations.

More to come.

“You’d Make a Great Debater Mate,” Says Aunt Seeking Polite Way To Call Nephew A Dickhead

After enduring a fourth interjection in as many sentences from her 13-year-old nephew Kyle, local woman Michelle Stewart had had enough.

“Y’know, he’s always been on the quiet side so it’s good to see him grow up and come out of his shell a bit. But Jesus Christ he’s an annoying little prick now,” shared Michelle.

Reports say that the situation came to a head after she made the fatal mistake of referring to the monster in Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein as ‘Frankenstein’. Kyle wasn’t going to let that slide, swiftly putting her in her place with an “um, actually, Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. You’re talking about Frankenstein’s monster.”

In the circumstances, her self-restraint was commendable.

“Slapping him was option one, would’ve had the desired effect, but I figured that was off the table. He’s probably still a couple years too young for me to just outright call him a dickhead, I’ll save that in case he’s still doing this shit when he’s 15. So I thought, what’s a group of people that are all arrogant nerds lacking in social skills? And obviously, I immediately thought of debaters.”

In the end, she settled on a pained, “Hahah, I guess you’re right champ. Hey, has anyone ever told you that you’d make a great debater?”

While the adults in the room read her loud and clear, it seems her backhanded ‘compliment’ only emboldened Kyle, who at the time of publication was heard insisting that his grandmother include tomatoes in the fruit salad, as they are technically a fruit.

MAFS: Manifestly Incompatible Couples Hoodwinked For 9th Consecutive Season

Sure it’s bottom of the barrel content, but Australian audiences still tune in to acclaimed dramedy Married At First Sight, our sources confirm.

After a dinosaur cull on the experts panel, the show has taken a new direction by gaslighting viewers that the show is genuine in its premise and not a smokescreen for the launch of lucrative OnlyFans careers. With a 1% success rate, the experts are doing psychologists in the field proud.

Following a total condemnation of the Claire and Adam cheating scandal, they resiled from this position by introducing a couple swap to strengthen the couples’ bonds. This comes after the very productive ranking exercise, based on scholarly, peer-reviewed literature, and engineered to inform your partner that you find another participant sexy as fuck.

When surveyed further, our sources tell us that producers scoured every sweatshop nationwide for the reddest of flags. We can also exclusively reveal that Harrison caused 23% of female viewership to dip their toes in lesbianism. Purely from the experts’ conduct, it is safe to say the key to love is sabotaging your relationship from the very beginning.

More to come

Woman Channels St Patrick By Driving The Snakes Out Of Her Friendship Group

Sharon Thornton (28) came in hot to her friends Paddy’s day drinks at Finn McCool’s Fortitude Valley.

“Narelle is such a snake,” she said “I’m gonna confront her, it’s what St Patrick would have wanted.”

Sharon explained that she had recently been courting a man named Darryl, who she had met at the races two weeks ago. However, it had recently come to Sharon’s attention that her supposed friend, Narelle, had also been attempting to court Darryl, fully aware that Sharon had her eyes on him first.

The Obiter witnessed Sharon verbally confront Narelle.

“I know you’re trying to fuck Darryl, Narelle. You gronk bitch!” She yelled, throwing her yellow cider onto Narelle’s green shirt.

“Clarine is keen on him too” Narelle replied, barely audible over The Pogues playing in the background “She’s with him right now babes, you don’t own every bloke you see.”

Sources confirmed with The Obiter that Clarine was as that time on a date with Darryl at Irish Murphy’s.

“Well I don’t want to see either of your faces at book club ever again!” said Sharon.

“But next week we are talking about The Dry! I love Eric Bana.” Narelle responded woundedly.

“Fuck off.” Sharon finished, the rest of the girls standing with her in solidarity.

No more to come from Narelle nor Clarine.

“Haha Yeah I’m Actually Irish” Says 7th Generation Aussie At Gilhooleys

It is once again March 17, St Patrick’s Day! The river goes green in Chicago, the Guinness flows in Dublin, and the self-identifying Irish-Australians clock off work early to “Celebrate and important cultural holiday.”

Standing in line at Gilhooleys, The Obiter had the luck to overhear Owen McDonagh (22) try his chances with an Irish backpacker.

“Yeah so I’m actually Irish, the DNA test on Ancestry.com put me at 60% Irish, which basically makes me the same as you guys.” Perhaps in hope for a free drink from the intoxicated Commerce student, she let him keep talking.

“Conor McGregor! Paddy the Baddy! I’m a Catholic as well actually, I went to Terrace, you might have heard of it? Yeah, it’s the best Catholic School in Queensland.”

Owen then went on to explain to the young lady that he supports Irish owned businesses as he only buys XXXX from Dan Murphy’s.

“Wanna hear my Irish accent?” He bent over in a racist caricature of a drunken Irishman, slurring his words as he spoke, “top o da mornin to ye, fek da Protestants and up da Pope!”

The lass went quiet, leaving our brave hero confused.

“Kiss me I’m Irish? Nice shirt. Ye ever heard of a Belfast kiss?” she finally said. The trap was set. Owen leaned in, closing his eyes, unaware of his surroundings.

A pint of Guinness smashed over his head, sending him to the ground. He looked up at his attacker.

“Me pa was shot by the IRA ye bastard. Fek ya!”

She stormed off, her hair and loyalty both orange.

The ambulance pulling up outside indicates there is no more to come.