Fresh news out of Canberra, as the Australian Bureau of Statistics have finally confirmed a statistical link which many have suspected for some years. Studying the social media accounts of 1000 randomly selected Australian students, the ABS was able to conclusively find a causal link between having your degree in your biography, and being a painfully boring human being.
In a year long survey, the ABS examined the Facebook, Instagram, Tinder and various other social media accounts of people who consider their degree so mind-bogglingly important, they simply have to keep it in their bio.
Linkedin was omitted from the search, for the obvious reason that the premise of the website is very much to highlight the degree you study.
The study concluded that these people consistently ranked in the most boring quartile the Australian adult population. We’re not entirely sure how the ABS were able to conclusively conclude on who the most boring quartile of the population is, but we’re fairly confident criteria involved would’ve included drinking Coronas, watching The Block, being concerned about dietary fibre, and hating budget deficits (live a little!).
An ABS spokesman spoke with some trepidation after announcing the results of the research in a press conference, suggesting ‘This does not mean all Australians necessarily become boring as a consequence of their degree being in their bio… but our research supports the idea that a substantial majority have become boring as a result.’
‘Post hoc ergo propter hoc’ is a Latin phrase which means ‘after this, therefore because of this,’ (also the name of a terrific episode of The West Wing). Oftentimes, people mistake correlation for causation - suggesting that because one event came after another, it must necessarily have been caused by the first event.
However, that is no mistake when it comes to being dick boring, as it is in the case of having your degree in your bio.
Get it together. No more to come.