'M@rkand5usan': Family's Netflix Password Thwarts Foreign Cyber Hackers

‘I guess Putlocker will have to do,’ sighed infamous Russian state-sponsored cyber-criminal Albert Pudovkin (38), who had now all but accepted that the Baker’s family Netflix account was simply impenetrable.

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Albert Pudovkin (38) hasn’t been outwitted on many occasions. Throughout the early 2000s, he was responsible for crippling the US Government with a serious targeted cyber-attacks. The name Pudovkin is lauded in the international cyber-criminal community. The man knows what he’s doing.

But when Pudovkin, desperate to watch Season 1 of Byron Baes, came across the Baker’s family Netflix account, he knew he’d met his match.

After a mammoth 16 hour hackathon, Pudovkin was getting nowhere.

‘Who are these fucking masterminds!’ he wailed, genuinely concerned if he still had what it took to make it as a full-time crook. ‘I guess Putlocker will have to do,’ Pudovkin eventually conceded.

He’d been beaten.

.When we contacted Mark Baker for comment, he had this to say: ‘oh bugger, he didn’t get in? Well that’s annoying, I’ve not been able to login to the account for weeks! Did he try with a capital M??’

No more passwords to come.

Woman Installs Compass In Car After GPS Tells Her To ‘Head North-East On James Street’

‘Oh yeah, cos that’s fucking helpful!’ screamed Katie Barbour (25), making her seventh wrong turn for the morning.

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Katie Barbour (25) was exiting the car park outside the James St markets last Friday when her GPS uttered something that Katie described as ‘rather strange.’

‘Head North-East on James St,’ the GPS ordered, with its usual nasally twang. Hitting the break abruptly, the young yoga instructor began to panic. Like the rest of us, Katie doesn’t have a fucking clue which way is North, East, South or West.

After re-routing a dozen times or so, Katie decided it was time she put her foot down... on the accelerator and zoom over to her local Bargain Mania (which was in the direction of West, for those interested).

There, Captain Cock sold Katie a CompassProMax180™, the latest and most sought-after compass technology in South-East Queensland.

The young woman has since installed the compass next to the jiggling Hawaiian figurine on her dashboard for use during the day. Katie has also enrolled in an astrology course with the goal of being guided by the stars at night.

This article is proudly sponsored by the CompassProMax180™. Use the checkout code ‘Ob’ for a 10% discount. Terms and Conditions apply. Gamble Responsibly. If it's flooded forget it.

'If You Count The Seconds Since The Flash You Can Tell How Far Away The Lightning Is,' Announces Office Nerd

‘Each second is equivalent to one kilometre so it’s a rather simple calculation,’ chirped a smug Quinton Cook (32), barely containing his excitement at the cumulonimbi that La Nina had presented him this evening.

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Trapped inside as the clock struck 5, the Queen Street office was filled with a defeated realisation. It was a sure bet to those at WAP Inc. that Head of Information Technology, Quinton Cook, would seek to impart his cub scout knowledge onto the rest of the office - as he had done every other stormy Brisbane evening that year.

‘It’s pissing down, isn’t it?’ accountant Rob Lanning exclaimed, hopping to delay Quinton’s unwanted lecture for at least another minute.

But it was no use.

“If you look at the flash then count the seconds you can calculate how many kilometres away the lightening struck.” The office instinctively turned around.

On queue, it was Quinton, standing at the back window, overlooking nature’s fury. Calm. Collected. Calculating. “Each second is equivalent to one kilometre so it is a rather simple calculation.”

A deafening silence filled the office. Quinton had once again emerged victorious.

One by one, a captivated IT department joined their all-mighty leader Quinton at the back of the office, each of them shadowing him in his quest to triangulate each lightening strike.

More factoids to come.

'HAHAHAHAHAAHHA I LITERALLY CAN'T BREATHE,' Messages Completely Straight-Faced Girl

‘Yeah, nah, I didn’t actually find what he said that funny,’ a candid Laura Small (19) divulged to The Obiter.

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In breaking news, a young woman has just mastered the art of telling a porky-pie over text. Laura Small (19, but with the maturity of a 20-year-old) was texting her boyfriend, Josh Long (19), when she decided sending a series of “haha’s” was way easier than just dumping the man for being seriously unfunny.

She even chucked in some sideways laughing face emojis for authenticity.

‘Yeah, nah, I didn’t actually find what he said that funny,’ Laura admitted.

But the facade clearly worked, with Josh’s ego increasing by at least three. Among other lies, including, “I’m fine,” “I have work in the morning,” and, “how good is sex,” the “haha’s” have become a fan favourite among the youth of today.

Recent data has revealed some even add a “b” to the start to really jazz it up. ‘I’m telling you, a BAHAHA is a real winner with the ladies,’ a simp told The Obiter.

Facebook’s Anti-Bullshit Team is considering inserting a “lie-detector” feature on Messenger, alongside the controversial “read” feature. With the team only just commencing discussions now, the lie-detector will likely not be added until late 2023.

The kids’ lies are safe for now.

More laughs to come... or not.

Report: That Captcha Was Actually Pretty Hard

The Obiter is able to confirm reports circulating today that will send shockwaves through the fields of business, technology and philosophy: that captcha was actually pretty hard, hey.

The Obiter has gained access to an exclusive interview with Mitchell Feeney (22), the whistleblower at the centre of the unfolding scandal.

‘Yeah look, like, that was pretty hard hey’ said Australia’s answer to Bob Woodward at press time.

‘Like, these bloody computers must be getting pretty good if I have to pick parking meters out of that. You can hardly see the bloody thing!’

Thank you for your bravery, Mr Feeney, and god speed.

No more to come.

Scientific Study Confirms Person At Front Of Lights Has Slowest Reflexes In The World

Panic! On Corro Drive has begun as local motorists are coming to grips with human error. After one Kia Cerato driver failed to accelerate quickly after lights turned green, drivers behind them erupted into a fit of rage.

However, this distress is not unexpected. In an Obiter exclusive interview, we can reveal that this frustrating phenomenon is actually because the universe has a grotesque fucking sense of humour.

CSIRO papers have explained the inextricable link between those drivers that slow down, instead of speeding up when a yellow lights hit, and slow reaction times when the light goes green.

Local driver, Caitlin Zhang, is incredulous. “Fucking makes sense. I’ve seen glaciers move faster than drivers at the front.”

Obiter reveals that even if there was more to come, we won’t find out until those scientists get out of the Corro Drive traffic.

Inspiring: Man Caught Vaccinating Himself Behind Woolworths Carpark

Flatten the curve!

Obiter reporters were on the scene today at a Woolworths in Deception Bay where it has been reported that local men are doing their best to assist in the fight against COVID-19.

Australia’s handling of the COVID-19 pandemic has been hailed as some of the best in the world and it’s easy to see why with community members so willingly putting up their hands to receive the vaccine.

Reporters were unsure whether this was a Pfizer, Moderna or AstraZeneca vaccine that these gentlemen were self-injecting, but we are proud to see them doing their bit to flatten the curve.

Their determination to beat the virus was obvious from previous-vaccination marks on their arms. It appears that they may not have been waiting 6 weeks between doses, but hey, we aren’t ones to judge!

We approached to see if we would be able to get vaccinated. However, these men were adamant that we would not be touching their syringes. We’re sure this is for good reason and it’s foolish to think a bunch of 20-somethings would need the vaccines more than these unwell, at-risk members of the population.

Hopefully more to come from these heroes.

Marketing Team at Billion-dollar Company Confuses International Women’s Day for April Fools Day

On the morning of International Women’s Day earlier this week, many brands and companies logged onto Twitter to partake in their single act of performative feminism for the year, showcasing their ‘support’ for women. However this year, one brand decided to take a unique approach that boldly stood out from the rest.

With the misplaced yet resounding confidence of a man trying to man-splain literally anything, the burger fast-food franchise tweeted that ‘women belong in the kitchen.’ After receiving a veritable ‘grilling’ online, the company stated that it was one of their unpaid social media interns who was to blame.

When asked to explain the thought process behind the controversial tweet, the intern admitted that they believed the tweet was to be for April Fool’s Day, not International Women’s Day.

“All I was told was that today was a special day and so the tweet has to be special too, how was I meant to know that international women’s day qualified as special?’ No more to come.

BREAKING: Nana and Pop Might Be a Bit Racist

“I’m stunned. Pretty speechless I’ve got to say”.

No, these aren’t the words of some C-grade celebrity/game-show host giving an acceptance speech at the Logies, these are the words racing through the minds of every right-thinking person on the planet after Meghan Markle has given us the unbelievable scoop that a bunch of stupidly rich old white folk that have servants and live in a palace are probably racist.

In an EXPLOSIVE, SHOCKING, TELL-A-LITLLE-BIT interview with Oprah Winfrey, Meghan Markle has exposed how there were “conversations and conversation about how dark [her son Archie’s] skin might be” between Prince Harry and an unnamed member of the royal family.

While Nana and Pop have both denied that they were the one’s who raised these concerns, I’ll eat my shoe if they even remember what day of the fucking week it is. Christian Porter has already released a statement categorically denying involvement. Reports are that the Royals have planned to send in the charming, non-sweaty, defs non-pedo Prince Andrew to defend these allegations.

No more to come.

Genius Home Chef Just Fucking Drinks Pasta Water Straight From The Pot

A local Gordon Ramsay-esque genius home chef has broken the culinary world wide open today, as he continually seeks new innovations for creating the most humble of dishes: pasta. 

Whilst most cooks are well-aware that adding starchy, salty pasta water to the pasta sauce greatly assists in sauce cohesion and fat emulsification, Bronson Hayes (24) has decided to just cut-out the middleman and drink that shit straight from the pot.

The thought came to him as he was slaving away over a beef ragu for the fourth time this week, which is really just a fancy word for ‘spag bol.’ 

As he delicately ground his own black peppercorns in a mortar-and-pestle, before salting the pasta water, a Eureka moment struck him as if it was a bolt of crushed garlic in the middle of a non-traditional spaghetti alla carbonara.

‘I knew it was genius straightaway,’ he informed The Obiter afterwards via email, with his powers of speech no longer possible for reasons which will become obvious.

‘I decided that I shouldn’t bother delicately combining every little element in one little sexy baby saucepan,’ he continued, switching to LinkedIn messages, bizarrely.

‘So when the pasta was ready, I combined it with my rich beef ragu (again: it’s just bolognese), grabbed my favourite Cowboys 2015 Premiers mug, and just drank that shit straight from the saucepan.’

Whilst the delicate application of olive oil and salt to the pasta water before boiling certainly enhanced the flavour, and the cloudy presence of starch emboldened Bronson’s choice, the sensation of scaldingly hot water making its way down his gullet soon put the quality of the idea to rest.

Or so we thought.

For a man who literally can’t speak any more, he seems pretty chuffed with his decision. ‘Would I do it again? Absolutely, mate. The sauce combined and emulsified in my stomach. I felt like a literal King,’ he Snapchatted us, making this the third form of media communication over the course of the interview.

No more to come from this distinctly odd unit driven mad by Jerry Krause’s fucked-up eye.