‘Wow, signing off. Thanks so much for the well-rounded educational experience!’

For many recent graduates, and those who have to scroll through Instagram, captions like the above have become all too familiar. Particularly with a glut of recent graduation ceremonies being rushed through due to COVID-19, many students who technically graduated fourteen months ago have been able to celebrate.

But no-one has been happier than Brett Birkenstock (27), a lightly-bearded, thin man who has successfully knocked off his three-year Bachelor of Arts program.

And who cares that it took Brett six years? It’s still a great education!

‘I learnt so much from my time at UQ,’ said Brett, refusing to clarify any further on this point when pushed.

‘You can defer exams way more than you think. There’s basically no rules.’

Unfortunately for Brett, there definitely are rules, and they’re rules that have led to the young man pursuing ‘Intro To Economics’ subjects in his fifth-year at uni, at the point at which his advanced age led younger classmates to complain that he was a ‘bit of a creep.’

‘He kept inviting us to places we’d never heard of, like Oh Hello. More like oh go fuck yourself, old man?’

Brett is taking it in his stride, however, and doesn’t seem too bothered by the intense, immense criticism describing him as a failure.

‘Mum still loves me,’ he winked to no-one in particular.

No more to come.