BREAKING NEWS: Obiter Comedy Debate Team Might Actually Know How To Debate

With QDU champions in the line up The Obiter might be taking this too seriously 

Having a team that actually knows how to debate has left the Obiter in a position it has never been before. 

The Obiter can confirm the lineup of the comedy debate this year includes names from the QDU hall of fame

Including, but not limited to:

• Harry Rae (current debating coach, former school debating captain)

• Angus White (did debate quite a bit in high school) 

• Georgia Perry (really smart so probably did debate a bit in grade 9 just guessing) 

In the biggest debate of their career, watch these powerhouses do what they do best. Before most of them retire.

Disclaimer: in the interest of sportsmanship we will inebriate them appropriately to allow a level playing field

UQ Statue Reportedly Moggs Great Court

A startling discovery has been made recently – a statue above the Steele building in the Great Court appears to be mogging. The first person to realise they were being mogged by the sandstone façade was a chemistry student on their way to class – they have requested to remain anonymous but have received on-going counselling as a result of the experience.

Mogging, and the associated action of mewing, is part of the looksmaxxing trend popularised by TikTok - where participants attempt to appear more masculine through bizarre means. Originally, looksmaxxing was thought to trace it origins back to 2014, coinciding with the early 2010s emergence of incel culture, but this new discovery dates it to at least 1939.

‘It’s honestly amazing’, claims Roger Bates (24), a computer science student known as @chadmaster_bates on 4-Chan. ‘To know that mewing, and even looksmaxxing as a whole, is potentially an ancient art is well… well it just really makes me feel connected with my ancestors, you know? With that long line of white men that history has forgotten. It’s gratifying to finally be recognised.’

Bates is currently organising a mass solidarity mogging event below the statue and has even proposed a plan involving ladders to bone-smash it.

‘I mean the mewing is obviously helping – that statue has an absolutely chiselled jawline, and he already has those Steeley-grey hunter eyes – but to really make his looks rock-solid, we need to bone-smash a little and maximise those facial gains.’

Bates’ fellow looksmaxxing enthusiasts are currently trying to find a UQ statue that is jelqing to help destigmatise the practice.

The Obiter hopes there is no more to come.

First Year Student Suffers Heatstroke While Attempting To Use UQ Maps

In an effort to find the ever elusive (and definitely haunted) Hartley Teakle building, a local 3rd year student has begrudgingly downloaded UQ maps for the first time this morning.

But much to her dismay, the app seems to be possessed with the spirits of the building; guiding her away. 

“Where the hell is room X Æ A-Xii?,” asked Bella in an interview with the Obiter.

The Obiter cannot confirm whether this is the name of Elon Musk and Grimes’ first child, or a room located in the UQ dungeons. 

Another student has been reported to have passed out from heat exhaustion after traversing the campus using UQ maps.

Sources say a crane will need to be used to pick up the student, given he fell onto his massive backpack and can’t roll himself over.

Stay safe out there.

How To Get Through An Awkward Seminar Ice Breaker

It’s that time of the year again and The Obiter has compiled a list of tips to help you get through the semester’s ice breakers and avoid an absolute titanic of a time.

Here’s what we recommend:

1. Avoid week one classes 

2. Avoid week two classes 

3. Don’t rock up until week six just to be safe 

4. Don’t rock up to classes at all to be extra safe 

If you’ve failed to follow the above and are stuck in a ‘tell us a fun fact about yourself’ ice breaker: 

1. Definitely say what high school you went to (particularly if you went to an elite private school and you’re itching to tell someone)

2. Saying you do rock climbing is not a fun fact 

3. Don’t say you have six toes (even if you do) 

4. Don’t say you have a third nipple (even if you do)

If you’ve found yourself in a ‘introduce the person sitting next to you’ ice breaker: 

1. Don’t forget their name 

2. Don’t forget what they’re studying (hard to screw up)

3. If you do forget their name or/and what they are studying, best not attend class for the rest of semester 

And don’t forget, if you make a fool of yourself there’s always another degree you can do!

Good luck, break some ice. 

Sixth Year Law Student Honestly Starting to Feel a bit Embarrassed About Still Being Here

Reports have been received that sixth year Arts/Law student Jemima Parkinson is beginning to feel a bit awkward about still being enrolled in university at the age of 25. 

“It’s all a bit embarrassing, isn’t it?” Jemima discussed with friends this week. 

“Honestly, I’m at the age where I need to start having regular cervical screening tests. Not buying obscure textbooks off randoms and logging into mysinet.” 

“I literally get the biggest ick for myself when I see the Blackboard and UQ Nav apps on my phone,” Jemima said. 

To compound the humiliation, Jemima has learnt that she has an outstanding first year History capstone to complete before she can graduate. “Good god, they’re going to think I’m a mature-age student,” Jemima said, as if this was a fate worse than death.

Sources close to Jemima have told the Obiter that she is refusing to submit her timetable preferences in my.uq, out of sheer humiliation at having to do so for the eleventh time in six years. 

“What’s the use anyway?” Jemima reportedly sighed, “it’s not like I’ll be attending.” 

Unfortunately, there is more to come.

New ‘Slowed & Reverb’ Lecture Speed Causes Rift Amongst UQ Nightcore Enthusiasts

The new speed option aims to stop the sudden surge of hyperpop lecture inspired soundcloud remixes and encourage engagement.

The university’s pilot program comes as the 2x lecture speed epidemic has been a recurring concern for both students and lecturers. 

Some people like Law/Arts student Caroline Smith - who definitely chose her degree for her mathematical capabilities - defend the 2x speed option saying, "It’s basic maths, you’re cutting the time in half”

However, the super speed option has led to more major consequences, namely the sudden surge of hyperpop artists.

"They keep making shitty soundcloud mixes of my lectures," complains a disgruntled source who remains anonymous to protect his end-of-semester student feedback, which he is confident will actually be filled out this time.

But tensions are rising, "Now they're making crazy tiktok edits of my lectures". 

Since the new speed introduction, 'pro-Nightcore' petitions seem to be circulating on campus, and a great divide now plagues UQ - mostly between the gaming society and everyone else.

UQ says they are currently in the process of making a ‘warm & dulcet tone’ speed option to help conquer any further Nightcore lecture remixes.

First years claim it will make total logistical sense for Taylor Swift to headline the Toga Party

Asserting there’ll be more security at the Toga Party than the Era tour and that emissions will be saved by Taylor not flying to Mebourne.

* * *

Upon the recent announcement of UQ’s Toga Party line-up, some first years are quite disappointed to see that Taylor Swift won’t be headlining UQ’s biggest event on the 16th February. 

Claiming it would make total logistical sense for Taylor to headline the party since she will be already touring Australia, this group told The Obiter that they were expecting much bigger artists to make the line-up. 

Some UQ first years in protest of the line up has suggested they’d like to see the togas swapped for a Kansas City Chiefs jersey in a bid to persuade Taylor on performing. 

“The least she could do is perform at the UQ’s equivalent of the Superbowl,” said a diehard Swifie. 

This high expectation of the infamous party is likely the result of their second-year friends telling them that the UQ Union had secured some pretty well-known artists in previous year. 

Another Swiftie fan said while she felt mislead from the facebook event claiming ‘the best lineup yet’, she will probably still enjoy the Red Wiggle’s set.

“I’ve heard he plays at Fridays often though so I’m not sure how many people are actually going to go to the Toga Party now that Taylor is not playing,” she said.

“I’ve got bad blood with the UQ Union.”

Taylor Swift making casually employed uni student feel pretty unproductive this week

Student on four-month-long uni break who has done nothing this week but work five hours and get a haircut, feels a bit lazy when compared to someone who has toured the world, topped the charts, won a grammy, and announced an album all in seven days. 

It’s a cruel summer realisation for the 20 -year- old casually employed student, who has been flung into a quarter-life crisis while starting to doubt the use of his time in the overly generous summer break. 

“I mean in the period of time it took me to make a spotify playlist for chill summer vibes, Tay Tay has probably recorded an entire album while touring the world,” said the Economics student whose new haircut does arguably look pretty good. 

Derrick, who is still freeloading at home, has told The Obiter this summer hasn’t been a complete waste of time, since he’s taught himself to play ‘Smoke on the Water’ and ‘Smoke on the Water acoustic intro version’ from EasyGuitarVids.com. 

“It was pretty easy to be honest, I guess only the lucky ones get to have it easy and live as a rock star while the rest of us have to get proper jobs and work hard,” said the student on his couch at home.

As the weeks wind down, Derrick has resolved to making some drastic changes in his life, including setting an alarm before noon and is now considering learning ‘Love Story’ on acoustic guitar. 

No more to come on Derrick’s music career. 

Uh Oh! I Patted One of the SWOTVAC Alpacas and I Still Have Depression

This week, the UQ Life team has shown that its finger is firmly on the pulse of what students want out of their university experience. It’s alpacas. 

It’s always been alpacas. 

Research suggests that looking at an alpaca is the quickest and cheapest way to cure depression. That, alongside live music in the Great Court and a metric-tonne of kettle-corn. 

But the Obiter has discovered that some Law students feel that when the captive farm animals start rolling into campus, it’s a reminder that things are ‘not okay’.

Nadia Singh (19) (a pseudonym) shared her own, more harrowing story.  

‘I was promised that if I lined up for 15 minutes to touch an alpaca, my crippling anxiety about having 3 exams in 2 days would be cured.’ 

‘But I swear, when I made eye contact with the animal, it triggered an IBS flare up.’

‘Obviously, I’m now more stressed.’

Other students reported being misled that they could cuddle some puppies in the Union Complex, only to find that the dogs were geriatric and generally distrustful of humans. 

Thankfully, the Law School’s student wellbeing team - including Dony Rodriguez and Katelyn Maccarone - remain faithfully stationed on Level 2 of the Law Library, giving out muesli bars and reminding people what happiness looks like. 

More to come.

Exactly Three People You Know Invested In JATL Presidential Race

Tomorrow, James Athur and Grace Beattie will be battling it out for the position of President of JATL. The question on everyone’s lips is “What’s JATL, bro?”

JATL stands for Justice And The Love. Or maybe Jesters And The Law. Or maybe Jack And The LBeanstalk. I really don’t know.

In any case, we investigated the two candidates who were looking to fill the shoes of last year’s JATL president, Someone [Insert Last Name].

Grace Beattie is an experienced, capable leader that is particularly promoting her leadership experience with “ALSA”. The Obiter further researched Grace and found that she is currently on exhange in a cold Scandinavian country. It is with reasonable certainty that we conclude that Grace has actually been in service of Princess Elsa of Arendelle, and this whole ALSA thing is just code for “I know a Princess with ice powers so vote for me or else.”

James Arthur may have two first names, but he also has two other things - coolness and swag. However, his initials are the first two letters of JATL, which is awfully suspicious. After some digging, we found that “James Arthur’s” birth name is actually Bames Barthur and that he changed it to be a more appealing candidate. We secretly recorded an the record conversation with James where he said, “Yes I know I have what it takes to be an excellent President, yes I know I look epic as hell playing in the Law Revue band, but I just really think I need to change my initials to JA to have a shot!”

After our thorough research, we discovered that JATL stands for Justice And The Law. The society runs a number of important events and issues some great publication and is essentially like the UQLS but for people with morals.

We wish both candidates all the best and all JATLERs a great year next year.

Happy Halloween!