Screw $8 Cold Foam Lattes: Millennial Stomp-Clap Hits Save Many From Week 8 Menty B

As the end of semester looms, it’s time to confront every lecture you’ve put off watching, start studying for that 50% final, and commit to locking the fuck in. 

It’s a thought that can send even the most stoic student into a spiral; a spiral that used to be solved with an iced latte, a croissant, or a large passionfruit iced tea with extra boba. But as this unending cost-of-living crisis rages on, students have started turning to their Spotify libraries for solutions. Ukulele-filled, whoop-heavy, BuzzFeed-reminiscent solutions. 

That’s right: the playlist of a burger joint serving mediocre, $20 truffle fries has been resurrected as the Internet’s latest coping mechanism. Though the resurgence of Safe and Sound by Capital Cities might be a recession indicator, students all over campus have been delighted to rediscover melodies that could’ve only been written by young adults in 2012. 

“Songs like Fireflies have really booted me out of my mid-sem slump,” gushed second-year student Delilah Heigh, sporting a plain white tee and a pair of moustache socks. “When he sings about lightning bugs teaching him how to dance, I realise that it’s OK to be two weeks behind in Torts. If Owl City could write nonsense and get a billion streams, then I can do anything.” 

Caught heel-clicking in the Bagel Boys line, third-year Edward Blunt (sans Magnetic Zeroes) told us that he’s listened to “Ho Hey” seventy-six times in the past two days. “Adulting is hard, but you just gotta do what you can, man,” he insisted, after saying “peace and love” to the confused cashier. “When the going gets tough, the Trusts gets going. Keep calm and carry on chugging your Monsters.” 

With the semester only ramping up from here, the dog days are certainly not over. No matter how many times these students beg to go “home, let me go home” the minute they set foot on campus, they simply can’t afford to miss another tutorial. But there is a hope that’s waiting for them in the dark: tonight (and every other night until they find themselves working overtime in a corporate firm), they are young. 

Setting the Lawbry on fire until it is brighter than the sun to come. 

Student With Two Assignments Due Tomorrow Decides to Play Wordle for First Time Since 2022

Third year law student Connie Ections has shared an insightful take away from her experiences cramming the Property Law assignment this week. 

Although her group is admittedly just now starting the assignment they very likely should have started weeks ago, Connie has turned her mind to more important matters.

She simply couldn’t resist the soft whispers of today’s Wordle, New York Times’ famous word-game.

“I mean, yeah, I do have an assignment to work on, but … I don’t know, the Wordle is just so enticing … please don’t tell my assignment… I’m ashamed enough already.”

Connie’s team members, Mini Word-Cross and Bea Spelling have expressed concerns over Connie’s secret Wordle affair.

Mini claims that Connie has started awkwardly hiding her laptop screen during their study sessions.

“I can see her typing and she looks like she is thinking critically but I don’t see the Anonymous Quokka writing on the Google Doc… plus I don’t think there’s anything THAT exciting about Retail Leases.”

While her team is in a pinch, Connie is trying the word “PINCH” as her third guess. 

Three grey, two yellow: “I guess I haven’t played any NYT Games since last exam block, maybe I’ve lost my mojo,” admits Connie.

Needless to say, it is not looking promising for Connie’s Wordle nor her sentiment review.

(Two guesses) more to come.

Law Library Seats Found in Breach of Duty of Care, Students Allege

In a decision that has sent shockwaves through the reading room, students studying in the law library have alleged that the seating has fallen well below the standard of a reasonable chair, in flagrant breach of its basic duty of care.

"The foreseeability of harm was obvious," said second-year student and repeat sufferer Mia Backhurst, gesturing at a chair she described as "more of a torture apparatus than a place to sit." "I've basically run the Bolam test in my head. No reasonable seat manufacturer would do this to a person."

The alleged breach centres on a design so uncomfortable that several students report losing feeling in their lower body somewhere between the second and third hour of a single sitting, a phenomenon one student has taken to calling "constructive numbness."

"I was reading a case about causation and honestly I couldn't tell if the pain radiating down my leg was sciatica or just, like, vibes," said fourth-year student Tom Ashcroft. "Either way, I think I've suffered actionable damage."

Library staff have denied any wrongdoing, maintaining that the seats meet the relevant standard of care "for a chair, not a spa."

"We assessed the risk and considered it reasonable in the circumstances," said Head Librarian Deborah Finch, who was reportedly unable to make eye contact while standing near the offending furniture. "Also, have you seen our budget?"

Some students have gone further, arguing the library owed them a non-delegable duty given the "special relationship" created by mandatory attendance during exam period, and are said to be exploring remedies including specific performance, in the form of a cushion.

At time of publication, the library had not confirmed whether it intended to defend the claim, settle out of court, or simply replace the seats before Obiter finds out who upholstered them.

Judgment reserved.

BREAKING: The Obiter returns after Law Revue hiatus

After 8 months of hardcore preparation, the highly anticipated annual Law Revue finished on a high.

“Oh man, you totally have to watch it,” Kaw Ktudent (19) had told her two friends– one a sports physio major, the other studying compsci and maths.

“Are you aware we don't know shit about law? Do you seriously have zero friends? What do you even do?” they asked.

Kaw personally took offence to this. It took a lot of grip strength to show up for 1 night and  lift chairs backstage.

Luckily, they enjoyed everything regardless. In fact, they reported seeing her moving a couple tables, claiming that she “totally stole the show”.

After the final night, however, they had a burning question.

“Kaw, it's so amazing how you're getting involved in your first year. What happened to that article thing you were plugging us to like on Facebook, though?”

“Awh yeah, it's totally been active. We're just holding back right now.” Kaw replied.

She did not have the guts to tell them that the last Facebook messenger chat was 16 weeks ago.

Whoops.

Regardless, Kaw reassured them that the articles would be “at some point,” and told them to keep an eye out for their Facebook FYPs.

“You guys don’t get it. Facebook is the new Instagram, I swear.”

Students Seen Crying in the Law Library After Missing First Law Ball Ticketing Round

6:58

A nervous atmosphere fills the room.

Baw Btudent (18) is a first year starting at UQ law, confident that she’ll snatch tickets for the law ball. 

“It’s probably going to be fine,” she claimed, 

“I’ve ticketed for BTS before.”

She shudders at the memory of it. Her fingers aching from typing so aggressively, the 67 tabs open, the angry swearing at classmates to “shut the fuck up or I won’t get to see Jimin IRL.”

Did she mention that this was in the middle of her year 12 chemistry class? Maybe that’s why she flunked her external.

She briefly calculates the demand-ratio between that concert and the law ball. Probably around 75,000-200 respectively. Unluckily for Baw, she’s a law student and can’t do basic maths.

6:59.

‘It’s going to be okay,’ she tells herself. She could manage to secure BTS tickets in two minutes. Surely no one in law is that desperate to go to a ball. Surely, they’re all doing their weekly 500 pages of cases (that she gave up doing after the first week of the semester).

Surely, the tickets will take at least ten minutes to sell out. She assumes that that’s what the fourth year meant at market day when she told her “Tickets usually sell out in minutes” with a dire tone.

7:00. Its time.

Her eyes focus on all 69 tabs like a pro. Her fingers move faster than the speed of light. No one can beat her. She’s a ticketing pr---

7:00:15.

Silence.

A shudder trickles down her spine.

The words “fully reserved” stare back at her.

“There’s no way.” She mumbles to herself.

“There’s no way that I, Baw Btudent, failed at ticketing.”

She crumbles to the ground, distraught. She now not only has to pay an extra 10 bucks (given that she even gets tickets at all), but also can’t brag to all her peers that stanning BTS has given her many valuable life skills.

The worst part is, she can’t even go on a totally-legal website and negotiate until the ticket is 10 dollars. Or maybe she can.

$10 more to come tomorrow

President-Elect Chloe O’Sullivan attempts to win “broke” vote with promise of UQLS Office Tea & Coffee station.

The overwhelming majority of law school students left perplexed as to why anyone would need to buy coffee when their trust fund covers it.

 With the recent news that Chloe O’Sullivan is reportedly running for UQLS president, we here at the obiter have put on our deerstalker caps and busted out our calabash pipes to dig deep on her presidential campaign.

O’Sullivan has suggested quite a few changes to UQLS operation, changes that have left students nervously wondering if the society is more than just an excuse for GPS alumni to have a designated table in the law library via the UQLS office. The campaign has seen significant attention particularly with its promise to overturn previous party rulings on the segregation of mooters by allowing them to talk about their “extracurricular” in the office. Additionally, The Obiter questions the proposal to cut minor events, praying that the UQLS annual sperm race will not be on the chopping block.

Via the utilisation of the Obiter’s immense intelligence network, access to O’Sullivan’s “Sony Shots” Instagram account uncovered a wealth of highly concerning information: ties to the Woods Deputy President campaign and even more shocking… potential collusion with presidential candidate Melodi Kizil. Could it be that the presidential race is secretly subject to the manipulation of a sinister third party? And does this have anything to do with the network of tunnels hidden beneath the great court?

While the Obiter admits that this would be “totally dope” and still endorses the spread of wild conspiracy theories, in the name of journalistic integrity we must admit that the truth of the matter is that despite opposing political aspirations the candidates are seemingly “just friends”. Bummer.

Harry Rae's How to Vote Guide

(with some amendments by the Editor-in-Chief).

Hi everyone, Harry here with some tips if you don’t know who to vote for. I know there are important rules about avoiding ticketing, so I’ve asked Sienna to make some small adjustments if necessary to ensure impartiality, but I’m sure you’ll barely notice at all.

In the first contested election for president in many years, the three candidates are all running very strong campaigns with varying degrees of good ideas and absolute lunacy. Don’t forget to number every box, as preference flows could be critical in saving the law society from total destruction. My recommendation is:

1.         [Redacted]

2.         [Redacted]

3.         [Redacted]

The Deputy-Presidential race is stereotypically huge yet again, with two very strong candidates promising basically the exact same things about being around and talking to people. But if you need to split the difference and decide who deserves your vote, you can’t go wrong with [redacted]. Truthfully, it was an easy decision for me, and it should be for you too.

There are about three thousand candidates for first year officer, and I don’t really know them, so my opinion isn’t the most informed. But that also means yours might not be too, so you might want some advice. From my basic research of their proposals and credentials, my top 3 candidates would have to be [redacted], [redacted] and [redacted]. Again, number every box, mostly because there’s one candidate I really don’t like and want to avoid them winning, and that of course is [redacted], so put them last.

Lastly, here are some quickfire suggestions for a couple of other races:

Careers VP: [redacted]

Education Officer: [redacted] and [redacted]

Treasurer: well, that’s not good. I’ll give some thoughts on the candidates running from the floor during my speech. But I hope [redacted] runs. Or [redacted]. Or [redacted]. Just please not [redacted].

Law Students Prove They Know Fuck All About Managing Finances Tbh

With a Treasurer position vacant as we approach another AGM, the fate of the UQLS’ financial future seems uncertain. But we know one thing for sure: Regan Brown is handing over the torch whether we like it or not.

Not a single advanced nomination for the position of Treasurer should come as no surprise given the circumstances. There are a couple of different types of law student when it comes to managing money:

1. The student who wastes their money on coffees as Merlo (or Espresso Engine if they so happen to work a casual job at a Barristers Chambers one day a week) because it’s all a ‘bit of fun’; or

2. The students studying a Law/Finance degree with seventeen side hustle businesses but no capacity to take on the management of a not-for-profit volunteer organisation; and

3. The students who work and study full time and can’t really see themselves playing Monopoly for an entire academic year.

That leaves a couple of legends who have graced our Leadership Committee in their capacity as Treasurer in the last couple of years (Tim ‘Wolf of Eagle St’ Rainbird and Regan ‘Richard Branson’ Brown). But alas - whose next?

It takes a callous leader to stand up and challenge the expenses list of every portfolio down to the Byron Bay Chocolate Co. gift for the Senior Moot Judging Panel. But someone has to do it. In the words of Tim Rainbird, ‘if you aren’t out for blood, what are you even doing it for?’. Goosebumps.

This all has us on the edge of our seats for the UQLS AGM on 30 October 2025 at 9am. The Obiter cannot wait to cover every moment - including some bombshell Treasurer candidates running from the floor. Gasp!

Melodi’s In It to Irwin-It!

UQLS Presidential-Elect and Social Media Connoisseur, Melodi Kizil, receives covetable celebrity endorsement.

More exciting updates from the UQLS presidential campaign trail! This morning, The Obiter received exclusive word that Melodi Kizil’s election campaign has caught the attention and admiration of a familiar face across the pond.

In a stroke of Wicked genius, Kizil subtly demonstrated that she’s both tapped into the zeitgeist, and a bona-fide member of Group 7. We are of course referring to her first campaign TikTok, which referenced last week’s Wicked Night on Dancing With The Stars, this season of the US reality competition show having taken the internet by storm. Honestly it’s no surprise she’s on the pulse, likely thanks to spending 25 hours a day parked on the LS Office couch trawling Pinterest, Canva and TikTok as Designs Officer this year.

Now it seems her shout out has captured the attention of one Robert Irwin. The 21-year-old Aussie national treasure is currently competing on the show and has been a clear front-runner from the beginning, evidence that even Americans would rather cheer for literally anyone but one of their own right now.

Speaking of presidents, Irwin had this to say of Kizil: “Crikey! Melodi’s running an absolutely ripper campaign! Inclusivity, responsiveness and authenticity are fair-dinkum policies. I love them almost as much as I love posing half-naked and showing off my snake (Editors note: we assume he was referring to his recent campaign for Bonds, otherwise clearly it hasn’t taken long for Hollywood to corrupt Australia’s sweetheart…)

In sum, on behalf of literally the entire world, we are incredibly jealous. Also Mel if you’re reading this, please can you get us an autograph.

Rae-cking Havoc! An Opinion Piece

Is Harry Rae’s populist agenda a breath of fresh air, or the greatest threat to UQ Law since the Valedictory arsonist?

In the wake of AGM Advanced Nominations closing, one presidential hopefully is wasting absolutely no time forging (or dare we say aggressively bulldozing) the campaign trail.

Harry Rae, notorious social media Luddite, has seemingly changed his tune, in the space of 48hrs earning a spot among Facebook’s Top 10 most prolific creators. According to a credible insider, Rae has indeed made so many posts in his Facebook event page that his account was temporarily banned for suspicious activity.

Perhaps even more bizarre than his newfound affection for influencing are his policies. Adopting a populist persona rivalled only by the likes of Trump, Bojo, and that rabbit from the Secret Lives of Pets, a sample of Rae’s proposals include:

• Scaling down the marks of Laws/HASS students (Paul Ramsay is rolling in his grave)

• Banning all talk of mooting in the LS office and replacing it with conversation about high school debating (as if UQ Law students weren’t insufferable enough)

• Replacing Suri with a women’s cricket comp (fair cop there)

• Vaping in the advocacy rooms (maybe this bloke actually has a good point)

• Giving the Jessup mooting team a day off (nvm, this is straight up sacrilege)

Most perplexing of all is that for all of his fanfare and showmanship, Rae insists vehemently that he ‘really doesn’t want to win’ the election. It’s more than safe to say that this week’s antics have had the UQ Law community collectively scratching their heads, and pondering the question: ‘respectfully mate, what is going on?’

Is this spectacle a bewildering act of defiance against the generous hand that’s fed him in his role as Education officer? A Louvre-heist-esque coup in broad daylight, orchestrated by the SMP Faculty? Or is it all just an elaborate comedic performance art piece, precursory to a genuine campaign to be 2026’s Obiter Editor-in-Chief?

One thing’s for certain; we’re most definitely in for one of the UQLS’s most interesting presidential races in modern history.

Watch this space.