"Fuck."

Simon Elliot, a third year student with two first names, followed in the footsteps of his peers minutes before him on Saturday night by checking his grades early byway of the leaked UQ portal.

They were shit.

However, Simon experienced a feeling of hope when UQ sent out their whiney little bitch email minutes later.

The grades, the blushing University sheepishly tried bullshitting to students, were 'not finalised.'

"Oh I'll be sweet," Simon told his mates as he leaned back into a deck chair with a shit eating grin. "These are just the first draft grades, for sure I'll bell curve my way up with this one."

However, when the Simon received his text from UQ this morning, he was met with a figurative up yours.

"Fucking hell," Simon sighed. "Yeah nah they're the same."

Sources close to Simon confirmed that he is 'dumb as shit' and that his decision to spend the weekends on either side of Swotvac trying to buy vodka Red Bulls in the Coop for a girl from his primary school may have resulted in the genuinely abysmal marks.

"I really tried hard this semester," Simon complained.

"Might have to appeal some of these."