In the wake of his shocking retirement from the XXXX Maroons, Cameron Smith has reportedly been exiled from Queensland, and is now in discussions with the Victorian Government to be granted refugee status and become a permanent Victorian.
On advice from the Premier and Cabinet, the Queensland Governor-General decided to formally exile Smith from Queensland, for ‘...betrayal to footy, betrayal to Queensland, and the strong chance of giving that grub James Maloney a series win.’ This move received bipartisan support in Queensland’s legislative assembly, and despite Smith’s plea that the decision was ‘objectively fucking ridiculous,’ he has since had his Queensland citizenship revoked.
The revoking of citizenship occurred through a complex procedure whereby all trace elements of XXXX Gold in Smith’s bloodstream are extracted, and his vocal chords altered so that he cannot say ‘Queenslander.’
Smith, with advice of legal counsel, is now aware he is an undocumented immigrant in Melbourne, and has taken immediate steps to request full Victorian citizenship from the Victorian government. As a Queenslander who has played for the Melbourne Storm since 2002, Smith is familiar with Melbourne, but will be forced to undergo the Victorian Citizenship Promise, and consider a switch to AFL, snobbily described as ‘the real footy.’
The Victorian Citizenship Promise consists of a range of declarations, ranging from ‘I will consume three coffees every day, and each time complain that the Melbourne coffee scene just wasn’t the same as it was in 2007,’ to ‘despite being a rugby league player, I vow to watch every single AFL and VFL match, and engage in sickening acts of violence against other fans.’ Implied elements of the promise include listening incessantly to Triple J, hating Sydney, and wearing black.
Punters think it likely for the Victorian government to grant citizenship to Smith. As he leaves his beloved Queensland behind in a storm of anguish and ‘but the Maroons, brah,’ our sources suggest he looks forward to new life as a Victorian.
The decision to retire was extremely controversial, with some complaining that he ‘isn’t playing till he’s 80… that’s fucken Queensland spirit! I have no teeth, grr.’
We’re sure you had your reasons, Cameron.