GPS Debaters Suddenly Social Justice Warriors When Paired Against Girls’ School

Following a dominant GPS season, where the irrelevancy of issues like human rights went uncontested, the Churchie 10.7s have made a philosophical about-turn after being drawn against a girls’ school in round one of QDU.

“We did some exercises in basic human empathy,” explained their coach, “now I just have to hope they don’t absolutely cook this short prep with the most cursed takes imaginable.”

Sometimes, it turns out, not trying is better than getting it wrong.

“If I were a single mother, who was also queer and a person of colour and suffered from a disability and was a refugee; I would support the affirmative team” first speaker and future school captain Alex Alexson waxed lyrically, in a totally unbelievable attempt to gain the sympathy of the room.

“You’d have to be a bigot to disagree,” third affirmative speaker and local bigot Sam Sommerton alleged, turning round to look at the girls on the opposing bench.

In the post-debate press conference, the girls on the negative team were more than a little confused.

“The topic was about whether sports teams should be held responsible for the behaviour of their fans,” second negative speaker Holly Smith, “I truly have no clue what they was yapping about.”

“Their third speaker tried to say they understood the burden of sexism because they had mothers and sister,” added the third negative speaker Lucy Speakgood, “did they not realise that we are literally women ourselves?”

The boys now eagerly awaits the adjudication, which pundits expect will result in a loss by about 50 thousand points.

More to come.

UQLS Book Club Discusses ‘Shane Warne Autobiography’ To Stick To Suri Cup Theme

Sunday 3rd March sees a clash of the two biggest UQLS events on the calendar - the launch of the UQLS Book Club and the Suri Cup. 

The Obiter can reveal this has left exactly two people who fall into the category of both cricket and novel lovers, in a complete pickle. 

Thankfully, in a clever attempt to cater to this audience and stick to the theme of the Suri cup, the UQLS Book Club has just announced this week’s meeting will focus on a discussion of the ‘Shane Warne Autobiography’. 

If they have enough time, the meeting will also discuss ‘The Complete Matthew Hayden Cookbook’ and ‘Howzat: the history of cricket jargon’. One member of the Book Club event suggested the group reads Adam Gilchrist’s autobiography ‘Walking To Victory’ in an attempt inspire the book club’s athletic capabilities.

The organisers of the Suri Cup have responded to this clash by innovatively replacing ‘tea time’ to ‘reading time’, a chance for the players to have 10 minutes of ‘quiet individual reading time’ during the match. 

If the clash of these two events are successful, the UQLS is looking to organise more event ‘collaborations’. 

One idea was hosting the social touch footy grand final at the venue of the law ball in an attempt to garner a greater audience. 

There are also talks of hosting four-hour-long networking drinks at the first years camp to gently ease the first years into the legal industry. 

More to come this Sunday. 

Law Cricket Captain Athanasellis Discovered To Be Direct Descendant Of Zeus

Natural leader, good looks, and sporty? Must be his genetics.

Following a shock DNA test, Dan Athanasellis, Law Cricket Captain 2024, has been discovered to be a direct descendant of Zeus "The Olympian" Athanasellis, famed captain of the Spartan Olympic team at the 260BC Olympics (not to be confused with Zeus, the Olympian God). 

Indeed, as the first son of a first son, stretching back to Zeus himself, is it any wonder that Athanasellis is at home facing down his foe, bat in hand? Known to reduce fastbowlers to tears with his electric bat, Athanasellis seems the perfect fit for the captaincy. 

Due to his hatred of the Lawbry and attending class in general, tracking the man down for an interview proved challenging. However, the Obiter was finally able to locate Athanasellis at Souvlaki Hut Nundah, near his local cricket nets.

"OPA!" 

A plate flew past your correspondents head.

"You get sunburnt on the way in? Finally leave the Lawbry?" He joked, his bronze skin reflecting the fluorescent glow of the ceiling lights. 

Inquiring about what drove him to both Law and Cricket, the Obiter received a stunning reply.

"Yeah they actually sort of go together. So on a family holiday back to the mother country, we went to this place called Delphi, yeah? And there was this chick that lived there ages ago that told the future and stuff, and I swear to God I heard this spooky voice tell me: 'you are going to captain Law in the Suri Ratnapala Cup'." 

Intrigued, your correspondent pressed for more.

"Yeah, well it turns out Dad was just taking the piss, but the dream has stuck with me since. And the Ancestry reveal was pretty cool, I feel it’s sorta in my blood to compete at this elite level of Cricket."

"Anyway, grab a Lamb Yiros and a bottle of ouzo, let’s have a yarn."

Greatness to come.

Spectator Rocks Up To Suri Cup In A Suit Keen On Getting A Chambers Job

“It’s really another networking event isn’t it? Need to make the most of the law school opportunities!” 

Heads have turned as an ambitious second-year-student has braved the 35 degree heat and worn his Sunday best to the annual professionals v students cricket match. 

Despite knowing absolutely nothing about the sport and showing no interest in learning, this LinkedIn warrior has confirmed he is instead interested in landing a new law job. 

“Got to seize every opportunity to stand out in the competitive job market bro,” said the law student who currently works for himself tutoring two students a week. 

 The optimistic second year was seen lingering around the professional’s bench, handing out his CV and cover letter to the barristers. 

“I thought he was giving out score cards or some shit, and then he asked who my favourite High Court judge was” said one KC. 

“I’m more impressed by that Angus White guy, the bloke is batting like Matty Hayden,” said another barrister when asked about whether he’d hire the tuxedoed networking beast. 

At the end of the match, the law student was seen running on the pitch to shake the hands of every barrister

“I’m just trying to keep it professional”

Although the student hasn’t received a job offer yet, he has told the Obiter the professionals did show signs of interest, as they kept asking ‘how’s that’ when he spoke to them. 

There is currently no developments on his chambers job.

International Women’s Day Cancelled After Suri Netball Match Single-Handedly Ends Sexism

In an unprecedented development, International Women’s Day has been cancelled. Our political analysts explain how one game of netball has reversed thousands of years of societal oppression.

For years, uncomfortable questions have been directed towards VP Sport candidates at Law Society AGM’s regarding the lack of participation from girls in the Suri Ratnapala cup cricket match. Benjamin Funnell’s UQLS career never fully recovered from a barrage of gender‑related questions at the 2020 AGM, and Will Garske’s only answer was to make himself a small target by holding as few events as possible.

Enter Angus Watson in 2023, and the UQLS’ large female cohort expected little change. “Oh great, another private school jock with a massive ego”, said one critic from the LS Office couch. “Ah yes, I am sure this Grammar Old Boy and Western Civ major will care about anything other than office beers”, came the reply.

But when news broke that Angus would introduce a Students v Profession netball game last Sunday, everything changed. As 10 girls took the Court, the very raison d'être of International Women’s Day’s began to unravel. 50 women were promoted to Partnership at top tier law firms. 80 were promoted to senior judicial positions. And the Queensland Bar Association announced a comprehensively funded parental leave policy for female barristers.

“Yeah so I set up this netball game for my CV really but it turns out I just ended sexism”, explained Watson in the LS Office, five beers deep.

No more to come.  

Man Desperately Angling For Excuse To Drink At 9am On A Monday Is “Actually Pretty Into NFL”

Whether you’re looking forward to the highly anticipated ads, Rihanna’s half-time performance, or the game itself, the NFL’s Super Bowl is an event with a little something for everyone. However, for one young Brisbane professional, the highlight is something else entirely: a socially acceptable reason to crack open a beer at 9am on a Monday.

The primetime Sunday night slot in America means the big game kicks off early Monday morning in Australia, and that’s music to the ears of Drew Pearson (24). The young accountant has been hard at work reading ESPN.com and peppering the names of NFL players into conversations at work this week to pre-emptively justify the fact that he will arrive to Tuesday morning’s WIP meeting looking like he’s coming off a weekend in Bali with Michael Clarke.

Pearson, who has brought in a grand total of zero dollars of billable work in the two years he’s worked at Deloitte, even suggested that perhaps the firm should send him as a representative to a networking event (or, as he put it, “like, you know, a corporate thing or whatever”). The swiftness with which his boss rejected this blatant attempt to get drunk on the company card couldn’t deter Drew, who dutifully booked in his leave for Monday and put four Powerades and a Berocca in the work fridge for Tuesday.

Drew’s takes have so far included “yeah, Mahomes is pretty insane hey, and when he’s throwing to Tyreek Hill, look out,” and, “Eagles are good but, gonna be hard to stop Jaden Hurts.” His deep football knowledge will no doubt come in handy when he is absolutely legless at the Victory at 12:30pm.

Nation Chooses Trashy Reality TV Over Watching Aerial Skier Land a Quadruple Twisting Triple Backflip

‘Huh, that was actually pretty cool,’ thought Julia Burns (21), as she observed an incredible athlete at their absolute prime (name unknown) who had trained their entire life to be at the Olympics perform a perplexingly difficult routine, during a commercial break of Australian Survivor.

***********

In an intriguing insight into the human psyche, recent reports have revealed that the entire nation has collectively chosen to tune into a couple of dickheads squabble about their feelings and shit on a reality TV show rather than watch a group of elite athletes perform near-impossible stunts at the Winter Olympics.

Julia, like the rest of us, didn’t know until yesterday that the games were even on.

‘Huh, that actually was kinda impressive,’ she thought after accidently stumbling onto Channel 7 earlier this evening and catching a glimpse of some fairly skilled tricks and flips from some half- decent athletes.

But the jury is still out what’s more impressive: riding around in a luge sled at 160km/hr or having as good a pair of abs as Nathan from Season 3 of Too Hot To Handle.

Food for thought.

Russia To Cheer Themselves Up Over Medvedev Defeat By Invading Neighbouring Sovereign State

‘That’ll show them,’ spat a sour Daniil Medvedev (25, Russian Tennis Player, Not the 2022 Australian Open Grand Slam Men’s Singles Champion, Flog).

*******

Historic scenes in Melbourne last night, with Rafael Nadal taking home a record 21st men’s Grand Slam title, defeating archetypal Russian villain, Daniil Medvedev, in five sets.

While an unquenchable thirst for power and influence was enough of a reason for Putin to invade his eastern european neighbour, his sulky teenager top athlete being beaten by a champion Spaniards has certainly pushed him over the edge, quite literally.

‘That’ll show them,’ spat a sour Daniil Medvedev (25, Russian Tennis Player, Not the 2022 Australian Open Grand Slam Men’s Singles Champion, Flog) when one of our reporters advised him of this news.

The angry Russian then proceeded to tell our correspondent that he was a ‘little cat’ who should ‘look at [him] when [he] talks to him!’. Nice fella.

No more to come.

"OUT!" Exclaims Australian Border Force to Novak Djokovic

The world number one is reportedly set to take the Australian Government to Court over the decision.

***********

Breaking news out of Melbourne this morning, with local media reporting that Novax Djocovid has been turned around by the Australian Border Force after failing to meet the requirements for entry with a visa.

Novax, who chairs the really average bloke Hall of Fame, has repeatedly publicly stated that getting vaccinated is for commies and people who smoke weed and ride motorcycles.

Nonetheless, the world number one had reportedly anticipated that he would be granted a medical exemption to stay in Australian and compete in the nation’s Grand Slam after advising Aus Open officials that he usually had his five fruit and two veg, and would do the worm if he won the tournament.

However, it was confirmed by the PM this morning, who is bathing in the glory of people being momentarily distracted from waiting three years in queues to get a Covid test, that the Serbian had been served notice to leave the country.

The Serb has confirmed that he will challenge the decision in Court after he was advised that the border had been (grand) slammed shut on him.

No more to come.

Shane Warne Quietly Begins Deleting A Few Hotmail Burner Accounts From Back in the Day

‘Yuuuup nothing to see here’ whistled Warnie, as he inconspicuously ventured into the sent items of a few of his old Hotmail accounts, deleting a number of the medium-to-large sized MB photos that he’d sent to Lis Hurley, Marilyn Monroe, and the Pope, amongst others.

***********

Jaw-dropping news struck yesterday, with revelations coming out that an elite, high-paid athlete, with a loving wife and kids, would dare dream of sending unsolicited pictures of his old out-swinging balls to a young female employee.

Cricket Australia have since apologised for thinking it was somehow a good idea to let a bloke cheating on his wife by sending unwanted dick pics to take over as captain from somehow who’d just been stood down for being a cheat.

Turns out the best bloke in the Australian cricket team is still a bit of a flog.

As the news broke that squeaky-clean Paine wasn't as much as a good bloke as what we'd thought, Shane ‘Warnie’ Warne, amongst a cohort of several other former Australian cricketing icons, fortuitously provided no comment on Tim Paine’s indiscretions, instead taking the time to delete a couple of thousand naughty emails that he’d smashed into his windows desktop keyboard on a few drizzling evenings in the 90s.

Investigations into the sexting scandal involving Paine are still ongoing, with our writers not certain on whether the former Australian wicket-keeper captain indeed sent pictures of his genitalia, or just of David Warner’s face. A disgraceful act nonetheless.

Earlier this morning, we contacted the Barmy Army lyricist for comment.

“Couldn’t have cum at a better time, we say! Haha! Wicketkeeper more like keep your dick in your pants you dosser!

No more.