‘I just don’t believe in handouts,’ says Brenton Chatsworth (19), recently promoted to Sub-Executive-Vice-President-Of-Residential-Leasing at Place Ascot after mowing his dad’s lawn.

Last Thursday, despite celebrating like he did every year, Brenton was annoyed that Indigenous Australians were complaining about Australia day.

‘I hear they get all these handouts and stuff,’ Brenton said while buying a slab of XXXX with his dad’s credit card, ‘Like why are they trying to wreck my public holiday, I work so hard.’

When asked about why he January 26th had to be Australia day he said, “Isn’t it like when the ANZACS died or some shit?”

Despite not making it past an Aussie nibbles reading level, Brenton is adamant about the importance of hard work and earning what you get, apparently. He explained that to get his job he ‘fully had to write a resume and everything man.’

He went on to explain, with poor pronunciation and punctuation, that life is hard and you have to work and the government shouldn’t help you out. Brenton seemed unaware that his elite Brisbane private school was heavily funded by the government. Brenton was firm that he earned his recent $10 000 raise and brand-new-totally-not-bullshit title, ‘Bro like we have a truly massive lawn.’

More to come.