On Monday, the United States recorded a colossal 70,000 new COVID-19 cases, further cementing their position as a complete and utter embarrassment to Planet Earth.

As the country's death toll from the global pandemic continues to soar, many parts of the country remain under severe lockdown.

Unsurprisingly, this has been a source of enormous frustration for the gun-loving, bible-bashing, obesity ridden, logic-deprived nation.

Americans, now more than ever, just simply want things to go back to how they were.

Take me back to the good old days!" spat Tucker McGeeves (54) as he used a shotgun to cut his toenails.

"Darn Tootin!" replied Jeff Texas (62), as he used his Make America Great Again cap to drink a Vodka Sunrise.

"Honestly, when was the last time we let a mentally ill 12-year old walk into a gas station to buy a hot dog and an automatic weapon?!" he drawled seductively with a thick southern twang.

It appears that President Donald Trump shares the sentiment of Jeff and Tucker, with the Big Orange demanding that schools reopen in the coming weeks.

No more to come.