It’s time to face the facts.
Avengers: Endgame, the global blockbuster smash, has been out for over two weeks, and if you’re still worried about spoilers, you’re in the minority. If you haven’t seen it yet, either get to the cinema, or keep it to yourself.
Yet this is a message that has gone unheeded by Charlie Bird (19), who insists on telling his friends they can’t ‘spoil the Endgame’ around him, despite the fact he has turned down multiple opportunities to see the epic conclusion to Marvel’s Infinity Saga.
‘I really loved the scene where Captain America…’ began Charlie’s friend, Michael Cooke (20), who is known as the ‘Cookie Monster’ to his friends, but ‘stealthord89’ to anyone who trawls the YouTube comments section of ‘Girlfriend Cuts Your Hair ASMR’ videos.
Michael was immediately cut off by an irate Charlie, who declared his friend a ‘dickhead’ for talking about an incredibly popular film that has been out for sixteen days.
‘Stop talking about it in front of me! You promised, no frickin’ spoilers!’ he argued.
This was conveniently ignoring the fact that at this point, it really doesn’t feel like he’ll see it at all.
If you haven’t seen it by now, Charles, your future prospects of ever seeing it are growing increasingly grim.
As Avengers: Endgame rolls past $2billion at the global box office, comfortably on its way to overtake the bizarrely forgettable fever dream that was James Cameron’s Avatar, one has to ask - when is it okay to spoil the fact that Spider-Man comes back after the Snap with a thick Latino accent, yet is still played by Tom Holland?
And why aren’t we talking more about this?
No more to funk.