Fifth year Arts/Law student Harry Hughes has controversially decided on a mocha for his hot beverage this morning, apparently unaware that he is an adult.
The 22 year old CHVRCHES fan is alleged to have attended the On A Roll bakery at 8:32am this morning, where he ordered the hybrid drink with a brazen disregard for basic human decency.
The move has sparked backlash from a variety of advocacy groups including Amnesty International and Moms Against Mochas (MOM), who have accused Hughes of being a shit cunt.
Donna Mitchell, a leading researcher in the emerging field of beverage-indicated psychopathy, described Hughes’ actions as “reckless” and “really lame”.
In a prepared statement, Mitchell summarised the prevailing opinion among her peers in the field:
“What we basically have here, and this is proven easily by just a quick glance at the raw data and modelling projections, is an act of pure fuckery.
From our research, we can see that people who order coffee almost invariably attempt to accomplish something that day; success may not be guaranteed, but it is at least attempted. On the other hand, those who purchase hot chocolates, and again, our data supports this, are embracing their inner child and enjoying life in all its sweetness.
But cunts that order mochas are flat out just indecisive fuckwits who will never achieve anything or be loved by anyone. And our data supports that.”
Simply stunning research.
More to come.