Screw $8 Cold Foam Lattes: Millennial Stomp-Clap Hits Save Many From Week 8 Menty B

As the end of semester looms, it’s time to confront every lecture you’ve put off watching, start studying for that 50% final, and commit to locking the fuck in. 

It’s a thought that can send even the most stoic student into a spiral; a spiral that used to be solved with an iced latte, a croissant, or a large passionfruit iced tea with extra boba. But as this unending cost-of-living crisis rages on, students have started turning to their Spotify libraries for solutions. Ukulele-filled, whoop-heavy, BuzzFeed-reminiscent solutions. 

That’s right: the playlist of a burger joint serving mediocre, $20 truffle fries has been resurrected as the Internet’s latest coping mechanism. Though the resurgence of Safe and Sound by Capital Cities might be a recession indicator, students all over campus have been delighted to rediscover melodies that could’ve only been written by young adults in 2012. 

“Songs like Fireflies have really booted me out of my mid-sem slump,” gushed second-year student Delilah Heigh, sporting a plain white tee and a pair of moustache socks. “When he sings about lightning bugs teaching him how to dance, I realise that it’s OK to be two weeks behind in Torts. If Owl City could write nonsense and get a billion streams, then I can do anything.” 

Caught heel-clicking in the Bagel Boys line, third-year Edward Blunt (sans Magnetic Zeroes) told us that he’s listened to “Ho Hey” seventy-six times in the past two days. “Adulting is hard, but you just gotta do what you can, man,” he insisted, after saying “peace and love” to the confused cashier. “When the going gets tough, the Trusts gets going. Keep calm and carry on chugging your Monsters.” 

With the semester only ramping up from here, the dog days are certainly not over. No matter how many times these students beg to go “home, let me go home” the minute they set foot on campus, they simply can’t afford to miss another tutorial. But there is a hope that’s waiting for them in the dark: tonight (and every other night until they find themselves working overtime in a corporate firm), they are young. 

Setting the Lawbry on fire until it is brighter than the sun to come. 

Student With Two Assignments Due Tomorrow Decides to Play Wordle for First Time Since 2022

Third year law student Connie Ections has shared an insightful take away from her experiences cramming the Property Law assignment this week. 

Although her group is admittedly just now starting the assignment they very likely should have started weeks ago, Connie has turned her mind to more important matters.

She simply couldn’t resist the soft whispers of today’s Wordle, New York Times’ famous word-game.

“I mean, yeah, I do have an assignment to work on, but … I don’t know, the Wordle is just so enticing … please don’t tell my assignment… I’m ashamed enough already.”

Connie’s team members, Mini Word-Cross and Bea Spelling have expressed concerns over Connie’s secret Wordle affair.

Mini claims that Connie has started awkwardly hiding her laptop screen during their study sessions.

“I can see her typing and she looks like she is thinking critically but I don’t see the Anonymous Quokka writing on the Google Doc… plus I don’t think there’s anything THAT exciting about Retail Leases.”

While her team is in a pinch, Connie is trying the word “PINCH” as her third guess. 

Three grey, two yellow: “I guess I haven’t played any NYT Games since last exam block, maybe I’ve lost my mojo,” admits Connie.

Needless to say, it is not looking promising for Connie’s Wordle nor her sentiment review.

(Two guesses) more to come.

Local Law Student Uses IRAC to Decide Whether to Break Up With Her Boyfriend

Fourteen months old, the world’s greatest, most romantic and closest relationship ever (according to Bethany) has encountered unexpected difficulties as of late. The movie nights just aren’t hitting the same, the communication is breaking down as much as the world’s climate, and David is constantly ‘busy at work’ nowadays on Friday nights. Sooner or later Bethany would need to make a decision. A decision so complicated that she would have to use a problem-solving method used for the toughest legal disputes.

Issue, rule, application, conclusion. Creating the beloved acronym IRAC. The structure Bethany so dearly loves using. And judging by her marks last semester, a structure Bethany needs more practice using. It was perfect for this ‘legal’ problem.

‘The issue is whether the current status of my relationship with David satisfies the conditions needed for a breakup’, wrote Bethany, happy with the verbose sentence to pick up on any additional marks.

‘The rule is that the issue in the relationship must not be able to be resolved with working things out, as established by Indigo v Harry. If the issue or multiple issues – such as the passion in a relationship being unable to be reignited or the partner being as loyal as a certain “high-profile Queensland man” – are unable to be resolved, then not ending the relationship soon suggests you are a coward (Jessica v Dylan).’ That was one of Bethany’s best paragraphs in law school yet.

For the application section, she wrote ‘Unlike in Indigo v Harry, where Harry was willing to work through any relationship issues with Indigo, David is as unwilling to negotiate for any compromise as a certain US president. As the chemistry with David has officially reached the level of a D-tier 1970s romcom, Jessica v Dylan suggests that the time to end the relationship is now’.

Now for the conclusion to a rigorous problem. ‘It is thus likely that the relationship will be considered to be in the “we need to talk” stage’.

The work was done. The topic of ending ‘the world’s greatest, most romantic and closest relationship ever’ was somehow less emotionally damaging than the average law school exam.

No more to come.

BREAKING: The Obiter returns after Law Revue hiatus

After 8 months of hardcore preparation, the highly anticipated annual Law Revue finished on a high.

“Oh man, you totally have to watch it,” Kaw Ktudent (19) had told her two friends– one a sports physio major, the other studying compsci and maths.

“Are you aware we don't know shit about law? Do you seriously have zero friends? What do you even do?” they asked.

Kaw personally took offence to this. It took a lot of grip strength to show up for 1 night and  lift chairs backstage.

Luckily, they enjoyed everything regardless. In fact, they reported seeing her moving a couple tables, claiming that she “totally stole the show”.

After the final night, however, they had a burning question.

“Kaw, it's so amazing how you're getting involved in your first year. What happened to that article thing you were plugging us to like on Facebook, though?”

“Awh yeah, it's totally been active. We're just holding back right now.” Kaw replied.

She did not have the guts to tell them that the last Facebook messenger chat was 16 weeks ago.

Whoops.

Regardless, Kaw reassured them that the articles would be “at some point,” and told them to keep an eye out for their Facebook FYPs.

“You guys don’t get it. Facebook is the new Instagram, I swear.”

Students Seen Crying in the Law Library After Missing First Law Ball Ticketing Round

6:58

A nervous atmosphere fills the room.

Baw Btudent (18) is a first year starting at UQ law, confident that she’ll snatch tickets for the law ball. 

“It’s probably going to be fine,” she claimed, 

“I’ve ticketed for BTS before.”

She shudders at the memory of it. Her fingers aching from typing so aggressively, the 67 tabs open, the angry swearing at classmates to “shut the fuck up or I won’t get to see Jimin IRL.”

Did she mention that this was in the middle of her year 12 chemistry class? Maybe that’s why she flunked her external.

She briefly calculates the demand-ratio between that concert and the law ball. Probably around 75,000-200 respectively. Unluckily for Baw, she’s a law student and can’t do basic maths.

6:59.

‘It’s going to be okay,’ she tells herself. She could manage to secure BTS tickets in two minutes. Surely no one in law is that desperate to go to a ball. Surely, they’re all doing their weekly 500 pages of cases (that she gave up doing after the first week of the semester).

Surely, the tickets will take at least ten minutes to sell out. She assumes that that’s what the fourth year meant at market day when she told her “Tickets usually sell out in minutes” with a dire tone.

7:00. Its time.

Her eyes focus on all 69 tabs like a pro. Her fingers move faster than the speed of light. No one can beat her. She’s a ticketing pr---

7:00:15.

Silence.

A shudder trickles down her spine.

The words “fully reserved” stare back at her.

“There’s no way.” She mumbles to herself.

“There’s no way that I, Baw Btudent, failed at ticketing.”

She crumbles to the ground, distraught. She now not only has to pay an extra 10 bucks (given that she even gets tickets at all), but also can’t brag to all her peers that stanning BTS has given her many valuable life skills.

The worst part is, she can’t even go on a totally-legal website and negotiate until the ticket is 10 dollars. Or maybe she can.

$10 more to come tomorrow

TC Alfred? Please. Try TC Beirne (School of Law)

UQ law students reportedly ‘not phased’ amongst the aftermath of the category 2 cyclone. Why would they be? They’re already weathering the hardest storm known to man: an LLB(Hons) at UQ.

“Just another day in the life!” is the resounding sentiment echoing throughout the hallowed halls of the Walter Harrison Law Library.

This Alfred palava has revealed that, apparently, going multiple days – with survival dependant on non-perishables, little water, and low lighting – is scary for most Brisbanites. Thankfully, a small group of adequately climatised individuals made themselves known to the Queensland Premier, David Crisifulli-of shit. UQ law students stepped out of the shadows (literally – can someone please install suitable overhead lighting on Level 4) to speak at multiple press-conferences, providing some very constructive advice on surviving a cyclone.

“Yeah, see, unlike you suckers, we’ve been dealing with a TC for years now. TC Beirne. Category 6. Never heard of one of those, hey? Yeah. Didn’t think so.”

“TC Beirne is our normal. This Alfred chump was, excuse the pun, like a breath of fresh air!”

“You SEQ-ers get so riled up about cyclones. You should see what it’s like up in Cairns, or during the Torts I mid-semester take home!”

One UQ law student explained how she was very used to TCs – given Beirne, of course, but also because all the skinny rich popular girls and rowing blokes from her school are in her seminars.

Unsurprisingly, Brisbane got through Alfred. But not without the valiant leadership, and notorious humility of UQ law students. Who knew knocking down a few Red Bulls, talking shit, and getting nothing of note completed could get you to the other side of TC!

Etsy Website Literally Crashes After ‘Flood’ Of Cyclone-Induced DIY Craft Projects

Reminiscent of the ‘Covid Crafting Craze of ‘20’ when faced with adversity Gen Z reached for crochet hooks and watercolour paints.

Brisbane has been left reeling after another flood, but not the one you might be thinking of.

In the latest in a series of outages, from power to the stock of toilet paper at all supermarkets within a 100-kilometre radius, popular e-commerce website Etsy is the latest victim of ex-Cyclone Alfred’s tediously drawn-out wrath.

Etsy, best known for its handmade trinkets and craft projects, went dark this morning thanks to an unprecedented influx of amateur art projects uploaded to the site. Wonky knitted scarves, lopsided crochet bucket hats, and paintings tagged as “abstract” (which we understand to be code for “astoundingly average”) were uploaded in their thousands. A representative from Etsy remarked that not since the first Covid-19 lockdown had they seen website traffic like this.

The Obiter’s economic analysts enlisted a team of Anthropology doctoral candidates from The University of Queensland to make sense of this bizarre but increasingly correlative relationship between crises and crafting.

“We’ve observed this trend becoming gradually more pervasive in adults responding to public emergencies” explained anthropologist Homer Sapien. “Our theory is young adults who spent formative years consuming hours of ‘LaurDIY’ and ‘5 Minute Crafts’ videos have developed subconscious neurobiological instincts to do arts and craft in times of great distress, as a means of mental self-preservation. Not to mention, carefully curated Instagram stories featuring half-painted canvases and homemade Aperols give them the dopamine hits they’re missing while the pubs and clubs are shut.”

“So rather than traditional survival instincts where one might be compelled to gather food, medicine and batteries, our Gen Z colleagues instead feel a strong urge to forage for glitter glue and 2-for-1 yarn at Spotlight.”

Whilst this story might seem light-hearted on its face, the anthropologists expressed some concerns for the future of humankind if these patterns do represent a genuine shift in biological survival instincts. “I’m not sure how well these young people will fare if all they’ve gathered is overpriced acrylic paints instead of…y’know…food? Let’s just hope their crafting plans include macaroni art, then at least they’ll have some dry pasta to munch on.”

Deep stuff.

Mate in Edinburgh on six-month exchange marks themself as ‘safe’ from TC Alfred on FB

Posting between pints at the local pub, Jamie Jeans felt proud that she had the insight to let her community know she is, in fact, sheltered from the tragic effects of the tropical cyclone occurring in a completely different hemisphere. 

‘Some people might not be aware I’m overseas. This way, there’s absolutely no ambiguity’, she explained to her new friends from abroad. 

‘Give me a fucking break, it’s so insensitive’, a source close to the ex-pat told the Obiter. ‘I haven’t had phone battery for 48 hours. I finally open Facebook and it’s the first thing I see. Tone deaf bitch’. 

‘I actually haven’t spoken to her since she left, she’s not answering my calls’, remarked mother Jean Jeans. ‘In a way it’s been positive, at least we know she’s alive’.

In an exclusive interview with Ms Jeans, The Obiter asked her what message she had for her homeland of South East Queensland in these trying times. ‘I love a sunburnt country. A land of sweeping plains, Of ragged mountain ranges, Of droughts and flooding rains.’ 

The Obiter then asked Ms Jeans whether she had any of her own words she wished to share that weren’t those of the late Australian poet, Dorothea Mackellar. 

She said that ultimately, she had some pretty intense FOMO, but emphasised that ‘every dark cyclonic cloud has a silver lining’. ‘I mean, I’m here drinking Guinness, pashing hot Scotsman and living my best life. I have to, out of solidarity for my friends and family back home’. 

Give us a fucking break.

BREAKING UPDATE: Cyclone Alfred actually IS Local Woman's Ex

ALL BARK AND NO BITE: After an all too familiar weeklong episode of performance anxiety, Cyclone Alfred has up and ghosted us after getting us only ever so slightly wet.

***

 All of Brisbane has been left woefully unimpressed after Cyclone Alfred failed to climax last night, having now been demoted to a measly ‘tropical low’ by the bureau of Meteorology.

 Like many a Brisbane ex-situationship, Alfred has been spotted on the beach at the Sunshine Coast, ghosting all of us after last night’s poor performance.

CEO and Director of Meteorology Andrew Johnson has stated that after “edging us all week,” Alfred supposedly came overnight, and yet this morning is absent from Brisbane. Residents are reportedly frustrated by Mr Johnson, asking why he put us on with Alfred, when any other tropical storm would have likely had a better performance, and potentially even a second date. Skeptics have claimed that Mr Johnson was doing a favour for Alfred, who seemingly gets no play.

 To add to the frustration of many, Alfred has somehow not only managed to cancel International Womens Day for all of Brisbane, while still being notably absent on the day of the event.

 While still causing relatively severe damage to Queensland coast, it seems as though what we were promised in DMs was seemingly all talk.

What’s new?

Cyclone Alfred kinda reminds Local Woman of her Ex

But there’s one key difference: Cyclone Alfred will actually come. 

As South-East Queensland comes to terms with Cyclone Alfred being set to thundercunt Brisbane, Lily (22) has suffered her own additional damage from the cyclone; the reminder of her ex, Alfred (23). The bright and sunny start to the week referenced the initial hope and optimism from Lily that her new relationship with Alfred would be . The harsh reality of the relationship was just like how the weather in Brisbane would turn towards at the end of the week; dark, stormy, and moody.

“This cyclone won’t be the most destructive thing called Alfred” chuckled Lily as the cyclone drew nearer.  The gale-force winds and rainfall could not compare to the emotional damage she endured as she discovered her ex cheating on her with Samantha. The loud winds and rains echoed Alfred’s loud begging to Lily that this ‘wasn’t what it seemed,’ almost as if they were teasing her of that fateful day. And the darkened and colourless sky reflected the complete lack of flavour and charisma between Lily and Alfred. It reminded her that the relationship would have never worked out, and that it was time to move on. Cyclone Alfred would wreak havoc for many people, but for Lily, it finally provided closure.

The Obiter is hopeful that Cyclone Alfred won’t be anywhere near as horrific as Lily’s Alfred.