The results are in, folks. And you’re not gonna like it!
The Obiter’s in-house team of demographers are many things: sexy, intellectual, racist. But the yummy little social scientists are one thing above all else: correct.
Between ripping bongs and hitting the water slides, the bad ass demographers who camp out in The Obiter mailroom have finally completed their study of population shifts in the greater Brisbane area 2018-18.
The results confirmed what many demographic academics and analysts have been hypothesising for weeks: you are indeed the only person left in Brisbane these uni holidays.
This study is very long and has lots of diagrams (yawn!) but The Obiter skimmed the shit out it and can confirm that the study involved a thorough unpacking of several demographic databases, such as Instagram and Snappychat.
“If you’ve been wondering why every time you walked down Eagle Street Pier you felt like a disgraced outlaw returning to a The shantytown he once called home, it’s because you genuinely are sauntering through an abandoned city,” lead demographer and drinker of beers Arty Banginswaite wrote in the report’s abstract.
“You’re the only person in this city you fucking loser.”
In some ways this is a good thing. When no one in the group chat responded to your message of ‘incredible 2 tonight?’ it wasn’t because they hate your ass. It’s because they’re living it up in the European sun while you play the Will Smith role in your very own homage to ‘I Am Legend.’
This study should put your mind at ease. Go rob GOMA or piss off the deck at Jade Buddha - there’s no one to stop you.
Demographers are poon lords.