If Newcastle Knights speedster Kalyn Ponga is picked to play for the Maroons in Origin II, he will have more than just the hopes of passionate Queensland rugby fans on his shoulders. He will be struggling under the weight of every Anglican Church Grammar School Old Boy, who have waited patiently years to be able to interject in a conversation, “...you know Kalyn Ponga? The Queensland winger? Held the bin open for him at lunch once.”
Ever since The Waterboy brought Ponga to the attention of football-obsessed Australians, Churchie students have been licking their lips at the prospect of repeatedly mentioning the fact Kalyn was a “BOC.” And whilst his meteoric rise to the North Queensland Cowboys, and now, the Knights, has been nothing short of extraordinary, his name remains just shy of enormous Australian fame.
But all that may change, with the stroke of a selector’s pen.
Old Boys, such as 2013’s Nick Kerringway-Harrington, himself a Second XV Rugby player and prefect, have had their Ponga anecdotes locked and loaded for some years now. As a deeply, deeply boring man, Kerringway-Harrington’s conversational efforts have been dry for the past few months.
But this burst of content could be exactly what he needs.
In an exclusive interview, Kerringway-Harrington (pick one last name, mate, bit greedy), has described the situation in which he’d be able to deploy his “conversational hydrogen bomb.”
“So I’m in a conversation… let’s say a group of people, let’s say six… and this chirpy bloke who knows Darren Lockyer’s dealer is holding the room - but then I drop it. Then I mention that Kalyn and I once shared a celebratory hug after defeating TGS. That’s when I leave the room a God.”
Nick’s delusion is matched only by his confidence that Ponga will be selected. Unfortunately, there appears to be no Plan B if he is not.