In response to criticisms that they are ‘out of touch,’ public broadcaster, the ABC, has implemented new company guidelines, making it mandatory for every employee to have a ‘beer with the common man’ each and every day.
For many years, the ABC has been one of the most respected and admired news organizations in this country, routinely breaking significant stories, and providing a valuable public service.
But in recent times, they have suffered accusations of being too ‘out of touch,’ too ‘inner-city liberal,’ and being ‘lefty cucks.’ Despite the fact these accusations pretty much only come from inner-city elite conservatives who are weirdly angry about welfare, many of the criticisms have stuck.
But in a bid to reform their image, Operation Honest Beer has begun.
Trendy inner-city bars are out, and local pubs are in. Staff from the ABC offices in Brisbane have been instructed to travel to the Stafford Tavern, the Runcorn Tavern, the Alderley Arms Hotel, the Ferny Grove Tavern, the Aspley Hotel, or the Jindalee Bar & Grill, to share a schooner of lager with ‘the common man.’
‘The common man’ has been identified as someone over the age of 40, who looks weary at the end of a long day, and is not dressed in a suit. The official guidelines state ‘...if you look at someone, and the first word that springs to your mind is “battler” - they’re a common man. Sit with them, buy them a XXXX Yellow, a Tooheys Very Dry, or whatever trash the commonfolk drink these days. Learn their story. Let it humble you.’
In a move that has confused many conservatives, the ritualistic shouting of beer by ABC employees will be taxpayer-funded. Not wanting to shit on the Aussie battler and the prospect of said battler receiving a free beer every day, LNP leader Malcolm Turnbull described the move as ‘...interesting. I myself like a beer. Not sure about the taxpayers paying for beers, but as a fan of the beer, a beer enthusiast, a slut for beer, then yes, this is quite possibly, certainly, a good move.’
This policy is likely leading to a ‘groundbreaking’ Four Corners report on the state of working-class Australia and their heinous addiction to alcohol. Confusingly, you’d think shouting someone a beer every day is a surefire way to encourage their addiction. But those lefty cucks at the ABC are so bloody out of touch!
Drink up, punters. And would you like a tobacco cigarette to wash down that lager beer?