‘Fuck off, I’ve got heaps of mates and don’t need to talk to any pink-haired goob in this 9am tute,’ thought fourth-year UQ Arts student Blake McNamee (21), as his small group gathered around a desk to discuss the readings he was rapidly realising they’d actually read.
However, in a recent development, sources close to Mr McNamee indicate that he actually doesn’t have that many mates.
‘Like, if you were having pres you’d invite him, but by no means would I say we’re close,” said a high school classmate of Mr McNamee’s, Ryan Moore (22).
‘He just brings so remarkably little to the table. Like, yeah, he can reference Rick & Morty, and he’s pretty reliable to pick up some beers, but he’s a pretty nothing bloke.’
Despite Mr McNamee’s dismissive decision to watch 2005 Ashes highlights on his phone throughout the entire group discussion on the fluidity of gender roles in E.T., The Obiter can report that the student, who did not remove his Reds 2011 Premiers cap for the entirety of the tute, should have used this chance to branch out.
When a group member suggested they catch up for coffee before next week’s tute, McNamee snorted and said he ‘doesn’t drink coffee, sorry.’
Newsflash Blake - you should. Your diminishing interpersonal skills and scarcity of human interactions that don’t involve a beer bong should serve as a sign that maybe Oak, the non-conforming heteromarxist in the beanie who tried to add you on Facebook, might just be the last chance you’ve got.
They’ve given you a chance, Blake. The only question is: will you give them one?
Hopefully more to come from this tragic figure.