Whether you’re a white-collar criminal in the Supreme Court, contesting a public urination fine in the Magistrates Court, or facing a little murder charge, you deserve to eat and drink in style, whether or not you’re convicted. So with a budget of only $500, The Obiter trekked to the City to find out the best spots to visit, before or after your court date (organised by your crime).
1. Drug trafficking.
What’s more addictive than a delicious choc-coated frozen strawberry from the Noosa Chocolate Factory? You ruined the lives of thousands by bringing ice into rural Queensland, but today, you’ll be ruining your wallet with the delicious sweets put out by these local legends.
2. Incest.
G’day, pervert! If it’s a family-owned business you’re after, look no further than the Pigeonwood cafe, a gorgeous little place tucked in an alleyway. Chow down on the smashed avocado as you nervously wait for the jury verdict!
3. Insider trading.
White-collar criminals deserve the best of the best whilst they screw over the working class, and you’re no different. With its recent refurbishment, The Transcontinental Hotel is absolutely perfect for you. And if you’re looking to rub shoulders with the working-class punters funding your fraudulent insurance schemes, look no further than the Public Service Club on Tank St.
4. Stealing.
Whilst you mull over your ability to thieve property and possessions from people, chow down on a bagel from Bagel Boys, which due to its bargain basement L Card deal, will be another theft on your record - because the prices are an absolute steal!
5. Murder
If it’s murder you’ve committed, then it’s murder you might be after, so we recommend making a trip up the road to The Caxton on a State of Origin night, dressed head-to-toe in NSW merchandise. A murderer like you should be able to handle yourself… unless you’re chicken?
6. Arson
You might have burned the house down with gasoline and matches, but at Music City Karaoke on Adelaide St, you can burn the house down with your beautiful vocal chords. Whether you’re on a lunch break from your trial, or celebrating your freedom, their glorious range of Korean-styled karaoke hits will keep you well-entertained!
7. Nuisance
Just a few streets away from the Courts is Hungry Jack’s on Queen St. Mall, perfect for those who have been charged with nuisance. Not only is the place itself a nuisance, the footpaths spilling with Year 10 prepubescent boys, and young men who are never not in a tracksuit, is absolutely perfect for nuisances such as yourself.
8. Drunken and disorderly conduct
No night of drunken misbehaviour is better finished than with KFC, so why not pay tribute to your intoxicated mistakes and make a trip to the Roma St Transit Centre KFC, where you can join queues of sad-looking chaps in hoodies for whom the $5 Hot ‘n’ Spicy Lunch deal is the highlight of their day. Unbeatable!
9. Vehicular manslaughter
Only one place for you to visit, big fella - prison! How could you have done what you did? She was only 16 years old. Hopefully, you can reflect on your crimes, and return a better person.