At 8.03am this morning, notorious sex addict and Deputy President of the UQLS, Mr Henry Bretz, was found to have escaped a Gold Coast rehabilitation centre for his sex addiction.
The escape was discovered, not by detective work, but by staff noticing Mr Bretz sprinting down the street naked (admittedly looking incredibly fit), yelling at the top of his lungs, ‘Valentine’s? More like Fuckentine’s!’ and ‘Get ready, Australia!’
It seemed the Deputy President, who was due to return to normal duties when his comprehensive rehabilitation for debilitating sex addiction concluded in late February, had been planning a Valentine’s Day escape for some time.
Excerpts from his diary revealed his ingenious plan, which involved seducing his way out of the secure facility. God knows his raw, dangerous, enigmatic erotic power could seduce a gazelle out of the jaws of a lion - the nurses and doctors of Broadbeach’s ‘Help For Hot Stuff Rehabilitation Centre’ could hardly stand a chance.
The train from the Gold Coast to Central takes a little over an hour, and for that period of time, humble paying customers were treated to a tirade of erotic, sexy, and titillating statements, spoken by a man with a dangerous addiction.
‘When I get back to Brisbane, it’s sexy sex time for me,’ ‘Can’t wait for my erotic energy to consume some poor suburban bar,’ and ‘Valentine’s? More like Fuckentine’s!’ were just a few of the countless steamy phrases heard this Thursday morning.
Observers on the train indicate by this point, the Deputy President had found clothes, and was bragging that he had already enjoyed some ‘sexity sexy sex, a cup of frothy sex milk.’ His clothes in question were a tight-fitting leather vest, and gold pants. Truly the uniform of a man with an addiction so damaging, he was not constitutionally permitted to return to Deputy President duties until he could walk naked through the streets of King’s Landing without yelling out ‘Oohf baboof! Someone pour me some sex!’
The chilling details of his escape have reportedly done little to negate his Valentine’s power, with his already-staggering sexual energy only supplemented by the romantic vibes which hang in the air on the 14th of February.
Watch out, Brisbane. It looks like he’s back.
So much more to cum.