In a groundbreaking discovery sure to send staggering shockwaves through the inner-city enclave of Paddington, a surprise survey by the Department of Housing and Urban Development has revealed that the vast majority of Paddington sharehouses have architectural features built almost exclusively of cigarette butts and ashes.
The key features in question, the front and back decks, are hallmarks of the ‘Queenslander’ architectural style, well-represented in the hilly hills and gully-esque gullys that dominate the Paddington streets.
But for any naive youngsters who thought these were built of the traditional wood or timber, today’s discovery is sure to turn that mistaken belief upside down, like Will Byers (heyo! Stranger Things Season 3 is now airing on Netflix).
‘We were surprised, but also, not,’ came the insightful comment from Queensland Government spokesperson, Bill Eilish (no relation).
Mr Eilish suggested that, after January’s discovery that ‘bathrooms’ in most sharehouses were poorly-disguised, very large Furphy bottles, little could surprise the Department.
‘One sharehouse we investigated seemed concerned we’d discover their cockroach and rat problem. Like, mate, your entire verandah is comprehensively composed of the remnants of Marlboro Reds. You have bigger fish to fry.’
‘Speaking of fish to fry, one house we went to ate nothing but fish fingers on Tuesday nights, and offered zero explanation,’ continued Mr Eilish with his bizarre treatise on the state of the rental market.
Whilst these housing developments pose no actual threat to the health and safety of the general public, it does throw some questions up about whether we should get Gnocchi Gnocchi Brothers on UberEats tonight.
No more to come.