There was a time not too long ago when I would have trusted Dr Theodor Seuss with my life. Now, I’m beginning to question if he’s even a real medical doctor.

For the past six weeks I’ve been following the advice of the esteemed doctor and author. The result? I now have advanced mesothelioma and Crohn’s disease.

At first, I was excited about the prospects of his program after rave reviews from a number of celebrities. Buoyed by this optimism, I began to implement Seuss’ mental health model through his mindfulness exercises. However, purchasing a feral cat, covering its eyes with a hat and letting it destroy my apartment was not helpful whatsoever. It was so damaging to my mental health in fact that I suffered a psychotic break and assaulted a police officer. But that’s a different story.

Not only that, but the damage the cat did to my walls let loose a few kilograms of asbestos (I live in a fibro shack). Needless to say, I copped a gobful of the stuff, and I’ve rapidly developed severe mesothelioma and I’m likely to perish within the year.

While these results were certainly discouraging, I didn’t want to judge too soon - every treatment has anomalies, after all.

With this steely resolve, I commenced Seuss’ famous diet.

If you take anything from this article, let it be this: Do not, under any circumstances, listen to Seuss’ associate Sam-I-Am. Green Eggs should not be ingested. The rotten, moss covered eggs not only tasted disgusting, but absolutely destroyed my gut and has led to the development of a nasty case of Crohn’s disease (yes, like Pete Davidson).

While I firmly believe in the right to self-treatment, Seuss’ criminally negligent health program is a reminder of the dangers both of the practice itself , and of the need for government intervention on fraudulent medical professionals. I’m fucking dying cause of this nerd.

Lock him up.