‘When it rains, it pours!’ shouted one particularly intoxicated mother as she opened another bottle of Dom Perignon champagne, ignorant of the fact she would have to be collecting her children in the family BMW in three hours, with a blood alcohol level well above what most would consider functional, let alone legal.

The wet weather today in Brisbane did not cast despair upon a group of women celebrating school being back, and their shitty little children being out of their perfectly balayaged hair.

The one weapon these women carried en masse to protect themselves against the elements was the Oroton umbrella, obviously.

A symbol of both ubiquitous wealth and poor taste, a canopy of Orotons enveloped a local Teneriffe cafe. A phalanx of the rain-protecting devices immediately signalled to other Brisbane citizens: take notice, these dermatologist’s wives won’t take no for an answer if you tell them you’re out of the ‘organic pinot grigio.’

It was alleged that one AHS mother, Julie Smith-Wright, had the audacity to brace herself against the rain with a sickening, albeit practical, newsagent umbrella.

As of this afternoon, it has been reported that Julie’s children have both been un-enrolled from All Hallows’, and forced to attend the heathen wasteland known as Brisbane Girls’ Grammar School (given Julie’s husband was a cracking openside flanker for the First XV in 1982).

More to come.