Our recent investigation into the use of social media dating platform, Tinder, by young Australian males, has revealed valuable insights and a staggering amount of unsolicited penis photos (or ‘diccpiccs,’ as they are otherwise known).
We’ve been able to unearth a clear positive correlation between men who proudly proclaim to not be ‘a dickhead’ in their profile, and men who can objectively be classified as dickheads.
Unbelievable! We never would’ve guessed that someone who is so insecure about their dickheadery as to post it on their public profile, is actually a true dickhead. Truly shocking!
This ironic contradiction isn’t the only startling thing we found.
For one, a dick pic we were sent featured a man cradling his testicles with what appeared to be a white, bedazzled, Michael Jackson-style glove. Now, we’re not saying this is necessarily a bad thing, but certainly startling.
We unearthed a number of other key findings from our journey into Tinderland.
‘Not looking for anything serious,’ with a winky tongue emoji was revealed to be the most popular sentence contained in the biography section of a Tinder profile. Of course, often the men who aren’t looking for anything serious are the ones who will be completely devastated if you don’t reply to their message within an hour, but that’s besides the point.
In second place for most popular sentence in the biography was the ever-illuminating ‘Have car. Have job.’
It is genuinely astounding that this is what is used to attract a sexual partner - a vehicle and employment. Looks like the bare minimum of adulthood is now a substitute for seduction. Can’t wait to see ‘Have Lime Scooter account. Have casual job,’ as the new substitute.
Speaking of the art of seduction, the act of taking photos with stranger’s dogs is a common practice among users of the app.
‘Yeah, birds fucking froth that,’ commented a subject of our investigation, Harrison, 21, University of Queensland (3km away).
‘Best place to do it is at a café if you see like a nice golden retriever, or actually a sausage dog, yeah, they’re good for the swipes.’
Almost as much sense as Harrison’s bio, ‘6’3 [surfboard emoji] yewwwwww.’
Just when we thought that there couldn’t possibly be anything more to know about this guy, a scroll revealed another section of the bio. Harrison has included his top Spotify artists, which include the likes of Sticky Fingers, Mac Demarco and Oasis. This curated discography appears to be a desperate substitute for a personality.
When questioned about whether Harrison actually listens to these artists, he became defensive. ‘Oath, they’re just solid tunes! Like I went to a Mac Demarco gig in 2018, before triple J even knew her. She’s so much better live aha.’
The success rate of these profiles is still unclear. A follow up investigation on the relationship between dirt bikes in profile pictures and frequency of female orgasms is being proposed.
Anyways, here’s Wonderwall.
More to come (but not the ladies of Brisbane).