The Obiter can confirm that kickoff for tonight’s State of Origin Game I has been delayed, with Phil Gould’s pre-game monologue expected to stretch to a staggering three hours and fifty six minutes.
The speech, which tops the length of each of the Lord of the Rings films, is expected to touch on a range of topics, including Queensland’s hopes in the Cherry-Evans era, the prevalence of filmed group sex in the rugby league community, denuclearisation, puppy fat, and the legacy of Henry Kissinger.
Most interestingly, Gould’s speech will include a performance of his very own forty-three minute one act play titled ‘Friday Night Hairball,’ which tracks his struggle with having stupid looking hair in 2011-2012. The one-act piece, which also stars Jessica Lange in the dual roles of The Angel and The Doctor, has been described as ‘surprisingly good,’ but in the same way you’re surprised when the $7 steak special at the pub isn’t grilled cardboard.
As players and fans grow restless, Gould has rumbled on with his very special turn of phrase, drawing a long analogy between Cherry-Evans and Jesus Christ. ‘From pariah to messiah’ is clearly a phrase that Phil has spent some time working on.
No matter how long we wait for kickoff, however, we can be sure that whatever nonsense Gould spews for the next hour will be better than the simply deranged decision to have Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson provide the pre-match speech in 2015.
That was fucked.
The rest of the details surrounding Gould’s speech remain a mystery. But one thing is certain on this chilly Wednesday night at the Cauldron.
This….. is…. Origin.
More to come from this young team, the weight of history upon their shoulders, as they look to their new captain for hope and inspiration when the times get tough, and Origin football falls upon you harder than ever.