Mark Zuckerberg’s congressional hearings, regarding his position as CEO of Facebook and its controversial approach to data collection and privacy, have taken a turn for the strange, as Zuckerberg has proudly presented a statutory declaration that he is a ‘human male.’
As Day 2 of the hearings began, many expected them continue as before, with Senators slowly chipping away at Zuckerberg’s ‘cool guy’ persona. However, as Mr. Zuckerberg walked through the doors at 8.50am EST, yelling ‘...look right here, Senators!’ the press, onlookers, and members of Congress were treated to one of the most intriguing monologues in recent memory.
Smiling aggressively, Mr. Zuckerberg began to read from his statutory declaration. ‘I, Mr. Mark Zuckerberg, hereby declare, with appropriate witnesses, that I am a human. A human male. A male of the human species. I solemnly and sincerely declare my willingness to submit to DNA testing regarding my humanhood, but I doubt this will be necessary. In full knowledge that my comments will be legally binding, I honestly and proudly say that I am a homo sapien.’
His face seemed to expect applause and adoration, but he was met simply with blank stares from Senators, and the rapid snapping of cameras. Unfazed, he sipped from a glass of water, and continued. ‘I am just like you. I am a full-blooded, red-meat-eating, American male. I enjoy human pursuits. I breathe same oxygen as you. We share similar genital structures. In all senses of the word, I am human.’
The shocked members of Congress, amid awkward muttering, decided to postpone the hearings for several hours. At 12.30pm EST, it was reported Mr Zuckerberg had not yet moved.
Zuckerberg expert Aaron Sorkin spoke with The Obiter. ‘This is typical Zuck behaviour. I was his best friend. You know what’s cooler than a million dollars? A billion dollars. Let’s gut the friggin nerd.’ Aaron continued to speak nonsense as we slowly walked away.
Another strange day in DC.