Students Seen Crying in the Law Library After Missing First Law Ball Ticketing Round

6:58

A nervous atmosphere fills the room.

Baw Btudent (18) is a first year starting at UQ law, confident that she’ll snatch tickets for the law ball. 

“It’s probably going to be fine,” she claimed, 

“I’ve ticketed for BTS before.”

She shudders at the memory of it. Her fingers aching from typing so aggressively, the 67 tabs open, the angry swearing at classmates to “shut the fuck up or I won’t get to see Jimin IRL.”

Did she mention that this was in the middle of her year 12 chemistry class? Maybe that’s why she flunked her external.

She briefly calculates the demand-ratio between that concert and the law ball. Probably around 75,000-200 respectively. Unluckily for Baw, she’s a law student and can’t do basic maths.

6:59.

‘It’s going to be okay,’ she tells herself. She could manage to secure BTS tickets in two minutes. Surely no one in law is that desperate to go to a ball. Surely, they’re all doing their weekly 500 pages of cases (that she gave up doing after the first week of the semester).

Surely, the tickets will take at least ten minutes to sell out. She assumes that that’s what the fourth year meant at market day when she told her “Tickets usually sell out in minutes” with a dire tone.

7:00. Its time.

Her eyes focus on all 69 tabs like a pro. Her fingers move faster than the speed of light. No one can beat her. She’s a ticketing pr---

7:00:15.

Silence.

A shudder trickles down her spine.

The words “fully reserved” stare back at her.

“There’s no way.” She mumbles to herself.

“There’s no way that I, Baw Btudent, failed at ticketing.”

She crumbles to the ground, distraught. She now not only has to pay an extra 10 bucks (given that she even gets tickets at all), but also can’t brag to all her peers that stanning BTS has given her many valuable life skills.

The worst part is, she can’t even go on a totally-legal website and negotiate until the ticket is 10 dollars. Or maybe she can.

$10 more to come tomorrow

Former High School Debater Isn’t Cramming – They’re Just Practicing “Short Prep”

With a Foundations of Law assignment due at 3pm, most of the first-year law cohort was stressing out, refining their meticulously crafted essays and desperately editing their footnotes to be comma-perfect. But for former high school debating legend Albert Rimmington, this day couldn’t have been more chill.

“I’ve been preparing for this my whole life,” Albert claimed, “it’s basically just a short preparation debate, but a law essay instead of a topic about whether we should ban school uniforms.”

Albert’s classmates were intrigued at how he would manage to write a 2000-word assignment in only an hour, but Albert’s insistence that his faultless silent brainstorming technique would maximise efficiency assuaged their fears.

When asked what sources he would use to justify his position, Albert said “I’ll just BS it to be honest. That’s what worked when we won the 11.4 premiership. It’s not like examples and sources really matter much when the adjudicator doesn’t know if it’s real or not.”

“I’m not an ‘adjudicator’, I’m a career expert in constitutional law.” lamented seminar leader Stohn Muart-Jill.

Albert defended his take by suggesting “what if the negative team just asserts another fake statistic back?”

“That isn’t how this works,” responded Stohn, “hopefully Albert will learn when he gets his mark back”.

Four (if not even lower) to come.

Champion High-School Debater A Lot Less Keen On Mooting Now He Knows It Actually Involves Preparation

A former Senior A debater, who picked law solely because it allowed him to keep arguing, has expressed dismay at hearing that mooting requires reading cases and writing arguments out beforehand and not just winging it in court.

“Usually the fact that I could name a single female politician gave me enough of an edge in credibility to demolish the GPS competition,” explained the recent Grammar graduate, statistically called either Alex, James or Tom. 

 “But apparently if I rock up and try to Point of Information my way to victory I get immediately disqualified for not presenting submissions,” he said. 

This student's struggle is not a unique one. In recent years scores of QDU trophy-winners have failed to successfully transition to the big leagues, leading onlookers to worry that maybe high-school debating is just a bit silly.

Will mooting finally start to credit manner as much as matter and method?

Would the average reasonable person believe my argument even if I just made a case up? 

Does the non-transferability of its skills into the real world finally prove that debating IS a sport?

More to come.

Uh Oh! I Patted One of the SWOTVAC Alpacas and I Still Have Depression

This week, the UQ Life team has shown that its finger is firmly on the pulse of what students want out of their university experience. It’s alpacas. 

It’s always been alpacas. 

Research suggests that looking at an alpaca is the quickest and cheapest way to cure depression. That, alongside live music in the Great Court and a metric-tonne of kettle-corn. 

But the Obiter has discovered that some Law students feel that when the captive farm animals start rolling into campus, it’s a reminder that things are ‘not okay’.

Nadia Singh (19) (a pseudonym) shared her own, more harrowing story.  

‘I was promised that if I lined up for 15 minutes to touch an alpaca, my crippling anxiety about having 3 exams in 2 days would be cured.’ 

‘But I swear, when I made eye contact with the animal, it triggered an IBS flare up.’

‘Obviously, I’m now more stressed.’

Other students reported being misled that they could cuddle some puppies in the Union Complex, only to find that the dogs were geriatric and generally distrustful of humans. 

Thankfully, the Law School’s student wellbeing team - including Dony Rodriguez and Katelyn Maccarone - remain faithfully stationed on Level 2 of the Law Library, giving out muesli bars and reminding people what happiness looks like. 

More to come.

"Vote Yes To The Voice?! But I watch the Block!"

Damien Smith [20], is a fan of the simple things in life. Footy, beer, skipping lectures, and watching yuppies from Sydney and Melbourne renovate houses. With all this talk of 'The Voice' going around, Damien spoke with The Obiter via Zoom to get his take in to the national conversation.

"I just think it goes against the Australian values of hard work, mateship, and equality. With the Voice, it's not like you have to work hard at it, you're just born with the ability to sing. On the Block, you watch some real work, even the girls are up before dawn on the tools, none of that airyfairy shit you see with all this Voice stuff. Like the Masked Singer, that's the weirdest thing I've seen on TV since I was in nappies and watching 'In the Night Garden.'"

"I've seen that Albo is in on it too with this announcing of a referendum. Doesn't seem very Labor, the unions usually stick up for the little man. Pretty bloody odd when Big Petey Dutton is the only one talking sense. I know he's voting against the Voice." 

"Yesterday, I called up Sky News, we see the Voice the same way. So I started saying about how the people on the Voice don't have to work hard and just do well from it because they were born that way, and the fella on the other end was agreeing. He even said that they want to steal our land! How are they gonna renovate houses if Sonia Kruger buys everything on the market!" 

“Then he mentioned Indigenous people for some reason. I study business with a few, and we all watch the Block. Not sure why they’d be supportive of the Voice.  

"Some people are still just racist I suppose."

He was interrupted by John Farnham's 'You're the Voice' blaring from the speakers of his iPhone 14.

"Sorry, I've got to take this, it’s Deloitte. Good talking to you mate."

[The Obiter supports the Indigenous Voice to Parliament]

You Won't Believe These 3 Events the UQ Law Revue Accurately Predicted

All aboard the Stupolar Express - it’s nearly time for the 2023 UQ Law Revue. 

If you needed more convincing to buy tickets to this year’s show (August 24th-26th, people!!), here is a list of three globally significant events that the Revue writers have accurately predicted. 

1. Three house cats would go on an 8 minute, sexually charged adventure into the outside world, ending in the untimely death of a baby koala. 

While this particular scene from the 2022 Revue was described by many as “unhinged” and “weirdly horny”, the Obiter can exclusively confirm that this happened in Taringa a few weeks ago. Spooky, huh? 

2. Izzie Horsley would go on a date with Oliver Twist at the Howard Smith Wharves. 

This one came to us from a source close to Mr Twist, who said the pair were seen last Thursday sinking Aperols and picking pockets at the famous venue. Izzie was unavailable for comment, except to say “buy tickets to the show, bitches”. 

3. Luke Allen would shit himself live on the Today Show. 

You may remember the Clem7 tunnel Revue sketch, where Luke Allen, the hapless radio operator, is struck by a case of the Bali Belly. This actually foreshadowed a real event, as during a ‘meet the intern’ segment at 9 News, Luke was interviewed by Karl Stefanovich himself. It must have been a nerve-wracking time, because it was difficult to miss the stain on the back of Luke’s chinos… 

So, if you want a peak at what the future has in store, buy tickets here for this year’s Revue: https://premier.ticketek.com.au/shows/show.aspx?sh=STUPOLAR23&fbclid=IwAR3Xb3gV6CqOcRHu9seTeb4pTdJMJkSQhtbDbknearN3My2ZIEei9XHFE-k. 

Disclaimer: The Obiter is a satirical news site. None of the above events actually occurred in real life. It would be really weird if they did. 

Fourth Year Law Student Struggles to Contain Excitement for Weekly "Constministrative” Double Feature

If you’ve been on the Internet in the past few months, you have no doubt encountered the hype for the ‘Barbenheimer’ double feature: Greta Gerwig’s smash hit BARBIE, and Christopher Nolan’s historical epic OPPENHEIMER, both releasing on the same day to raucous fanfare from moviegoers and critics alike. We at the Obiter were able to get an exclusive interview with Jasmine Douglas, a fourth-year UQ Law student who has taken the Barbenheimer message to heart in a unique way.

“Of course I saw Barbenheimer in cinemas opening day! I started off by turning to one of the greatest filmmakers of our generation for a chilling, crucial breakdown of the human condition and the horrors that men can inflict upon each other and this world, and then I went and saw OPPENHEIMER afterwards,” Jasmine declared.

“So I figured,” she continued, “it was only right to try and keep those good vibes going in my day to day life. Two years ago, if I’d found out I had Constitutional Law from 9am-11am and Admin Law from 11am-1pm on a Wednesday, it probably would have been enough to push me over the edge and finally drop out. Now, instead of four straight hours of boring drudgery, it’s a thrilling Constministrative double feature”.

Jasmine went on to describe her enjoyment of the work of “up-and-coming filmmaker” Nicholas Aroney (who, she was sure to remind us, we probably hadn’t heard of), and to make an impassioned case for Anthony Cassimatis to win Best Supporting Actor at next year’s Oscars. “I mean, even his performance in Administrative Law alone should’ve been enough to get him over the line. But you add in his role in International Law: Public and I think he’s a shoe-in,” she opined.

Unfortunately, Jasmine cut off the interview there, as she had to attend to some chores, or, as she put it, she was “running late for her screening of the epic DishesLaundry at the Cinémathèque Kitchén”.

We will have more for you as the story develops, but for right now, your writer is going to settle in and enjoy a classic 3BeersCrying double feature.

Student Confused What To Wear For The ‘Hopgoodganim’ Theme For This Year’s Law Ball

In the past the law ball’s theme has radically altered the big night’s dress code, often guiding the massive decision to wear either  black or blue. 

This year, students face the puzzling task of interpreting how ‘hopgoodganim’ can affect their wardrobe.

“I’ll probably go as a frog or something, they can hop good” said Dan Gerrard (19), law student and generally confused bloke. 

“Or maybe a kangaroo or grasshopper, some sort of animal that is a hopper for sure,” he continued.

“It’s Latin for something isn’t it?” asked one Econ student with a mate that does law.

“I’ll go as a Tom Cruise in TopGun,” said John who still is trying to find an event to wear his accidentally ordered Top Gun costume. 

“It’s just cocktail right?” guessed a sleep deprived second year.

Those who have clerked at Hopgoodganim have decided to take a different approach, with some students deciding to dress up as their favourite Hopgood partner.

“I’ll go as that handsome injury lawyer on level six” said Caitlin who is hoping to secure a full-time position at the firm next year. 

However the theme’s interpreted, it’s a guarantee everyone’s outfits will still smell like mimosa by 10pm.

Let’s hop(e) there’s no more to come. 

“QUEEEN Where Have You Been I’ve Missed You,” Says 4th Year To A Girl She Sat With Once In Torts

It was finally here, the biggest night on the Law School calendar, and a chance for female law students to get smashed and tell each other how much they have always admired one another.

“I’m not even going to drink that much,” said Chelsea Smith (22) on the morning of the Ball, “I have to write my civil case note tomorrow.”

But before long, Chelsea was 5 mimosas deep and things were getting a little OuT oF coNTroL.

“It started when she saw this guy she had a massive crush on in first year,” a source close to Chelsea told the Obiter.

“They’ve never spoken but she asked him where he got his bow tie and what mark he got in trusts.”

“Then we couldn’t find her for like, an hour, until we realised she was in the bathroom with a girl whose boyfriend had dumped her that night. She didn’t know the girl or guy, but Chelsea was telling her she deserved better.”

Chelsea was later spotted on the dance floor screaming “PLAY WAP” when there was no DJ and the music was just a Spotify playlist.

Chelsea then attached herself to an anonymous girl who she had sat with once in Torts, telling her she really appreciated her friendship and that she was the most beautiful woman in the room. The two where then spotted absolutely hogging the photobooth.

“She won’t rest until she’s stopped literally every girl in a Bec & Bridge dress to tell her she’s a queen,” Chelsea’s friend informs us. “Oh shit her tits just came out, I have to go.”

More to come.

Boys Grammar Debating Coach Receives BMW As Christmas Bonus

PPE Student Quenting Albright was chuffed to be appointed as coach of the Boys Grammar 10.3s. 

“At first I was hoping to get a part time job at Avid Reader West End to meet women, but I couldn’t turn down the Grammar debating coach money.”

After the 10.3s finished runners up in the QDU final using speeches completely written by Quentin, the school rewarded his hard work with a brand new Lexus.

“I mean I really would’ve rather gotten an Audi, but at least it is a foreign,” said Quentin wankily

It has been reported that Quentin is making side money writing his team’s Modern History assignments for them.

“The old two-for-one-tutor-debating-coach baby!!!”

No more to come.