Opinion: Only thing worse than not getting clerkship interview is getting clerkship interview

For fourth year law student Laura Port, every application brought forth a sense of impending doom no matter the outcome.

A rejection meant she had to come to terms with failure, that all her hours spent on cover letters and psychometric pseudoscience were for nothing.

But an acceptance, that was something else indeed.

Further interview prep, a cocktail evening that you can’t enjoy because it’s secretly another interview in disguise, the risk of seeing the HR rep randomly on the street sometime in the next 18 months and realising that your whole life is henceforth just a long interview where you will never not be judged.

The reward if it all succeeded: a month-long stress intensive with an ever-decreasing chance of retention, all for a grad offer with no guarantee of long-term retention, all for the opportunity to defend consulting firms that blacklist whistleblowers.

It wasn’t exactly the noble human-rights-affirming social-justice-seeking lifestyle Laura envisaged when she filled in QTAC four years ago.

(Un)fortunately, due to her impressive co-curricular resume writing for the Obiter, a 6.7 GPA, and a healthy dose of nominative determinism, Laura Port had accidentally landed no fewer than eleven interviews, all of which had to be scheduled within a week.

Maybe there’s still time to drop the law half of her degree and graduate with straight arts. An Ancient Greek major is definitely just as employable as law, right?

(Seven interviews) more to come

Local Law Student Uses IRAC to Decide Whether to Break Up With Her Boyfriend

Fourteen months old, the world’s greatest, most romantic and closest relationship ever (according to Bethany) has encountered unexpected difficulties as of late. The movie nights just aren’t hitting the same, the communication is breaking down as much as the world’s climate, and David is constantly ‘busy at work’ nowadays on Friday nights. Sooner or later Bethany would need to make a decision. A decision so complicated that she would have to use a problem-solving method used for the toughest legal disputes.

Issue, rule, application, conclusion. Creating the beloved acronym IRAC. The structure Bethany so dearly loves using. And judging by her marks last semester, a structure Bethany needs more practice using. It was perfect for this ‘legal’ problem.

‘The issue is whether the current status of my relationship with David satisfies the conditions needed for a breakup’, wrote Bethany, happy with the verbose sentence to pick up on any additional marks.

‘The rule is that the issue in the relationship must not be able to be resolved with working things out, as established by Indigo v Harry. If the issue or multiple issues – such as the passion in a relationship being unable to be reignited or the partner being as loyal as a certain “high-profile Queensland man” – are unable to be resolved, then not ending the relationship soon suggests you are a coward (Jessica v Dylan).’ That was one of Bethany’s best paragraphs in law school yet.

For the application section, she wrote ‘Unlike in Indigo v Harry, where Harry was willing to work through any relationship issues with Indigo, David is as unwilling to negotiate for any compromise as a certain US president. As the chemistry with David has officially reached the level of a D-tier 1970s romcom, Jessica v Dylan suggests that the time to end the relationship is now’.

Now for the conclusion to a rigorous problem. ‘It is thus likely that the relationship will be considered to be in the “we need to talk” stage’.

The work was done. The topic of ending ‘the world’s greatest, most romantic and closest relationship ever’ was somehow less emotionally damaging than the average law school exam.

No more to come.

BREAKING: The Obiter returns after Law Revue hiatus

After 8 months of hardcore preparation, the highly anticipated annual Law Revue finished on a high.

“Oh man, you totally have to watch it,” Kaw Ktudent (19) had told her two friends– one a sports physio major, the other studying compsci and maths.

“Are you aware we don't know shit about law? Do you seriously have zero friends? What do you even do?” they asked.

Kaw personally took offence to this. It took a lot of grip strength to show up for 1 night and  lift chairs backstage.

Luckily, they enjoyed everything regardless. In fact, they reported seeing her moving a couple tables, claiming that she “totally stole the show”.

After the final night, however, they had a burning question.

“Kaw, it's so amazing how you're getting involved in your first year. What happened to that article thing you were plugging us to like on Facebook, though?”

“Awh yeah, it's totally been active. We're just holding back right now.” Kaw replied.

She did not have the guts to tell them that the last Facebook messenger chat was 16 weeks ago.

Whoops.

Regardless, Kaw reassured them that the articles would be “at some point,” and told them to keep an eye out for their Facebook FYPs.

“You guys don’t get it. Facebook is the new Instagram, I swear.”

Students Seen Crying in the Law Library After Missing First Law Ball Ticketing Round

6:58

A nervous atmosphere fills the room.

Baw Btudent (18) is a first year starting at UQ law, confident that she’ll snatch tickets for the law ball. 

“It’s probably going to be fine,” she claimed, 

“I’ve ticketed for BTS before.”

She shudders at the memory of it. Her fingers aching from typing so aggressively, the 67 tabs open, the angry swearing at classmates to “shut the fuck up or I won’t get to see Jimin IRL.”

Did she mention that this was in the middle of her year 12 chemistry class? Maybe that’s why she flunked her external.

She briefly calculates the demand-ratio between that concert and the law ball. Probably around 75,000-200 respectively. Unluckily for Baw, she’s a law student and can’t do basic maths.


6:59.

‘It’s going to be okay,’ she tells herself. She could manage to secure BTS tickets in two minutes. Surely no one in law is that desperate to go to a ball. Surely, they’re all doing their weekly 500 pages of cases (that she gave up doing after the first week of the semester).

Surely, the tickets will take at least ten minutes to sell out. She assumes that that’s what the fourth year meant at market day when she told her “Tickets usually sell out in minutes” with a dire tone.


7:00. Its time.

Her eyes focus on all 69 tabs like a pro. Her fingers move faster than the speed of light. No one can beat her. She’s a ticketing pr---


7:00:15.

Silence.

A shudder trickles down her spine.

The words “fully reserved” stare back at her.

“There’s no way.” She mumbles to herself.

“There’s no way that I, Baw Btudent, failed at ticketing.”

She crumbles to the ground, distraught. She now not only has to pay an extra 10 bucks (given that she even gets tickets at all), but also can’t brag to all her peers that stanning BTS has given her many valuable life skills.

The worst part is, she can’t even go on a totally-legal website and negotiate until the ticket is 10 dollars. Or maybe she can.

$10 more to come tomorrow


Former High School Debater Isn’t Cramming – They’re Just Practicing “Short Prep”

With a Foundations of Law assignment due at 3pm, most of the first-year law cohort was stressing out, refining their meticulously crafted essays and desperately editing their footnotes to be comma-perfect. But for former high school debating legend Albert Rimmington, this day couldn’t have been more chill.

“I’ve been preparing for this my whole life,” Albert claimed, “it’s basically just a short preparation debate, but a law essay instead of a topic about whether we should ban school uniforms.”

Albert’s classmates were intrigued at how he would manage to write a 2000-word assignment in only an hour, but Albert’s insistence that his faultless silent brainstorming technique would maximise efficiency assuaged their fears.

When asked what sources he would use to justify his position, Albert said “I’ll just BS it to be honest. That’s what worked when we won the 11.4 premiership. It’s not like examples and sources really matter much when the adjudicator doesn’t know if it’s real or not.”

“I’m not an ‘adjudicator’, I’m a career expert in constitutional law.” lamented seminar leader Stohn Muart-Jill.

Albert defended his take by suggesting “what if the negative team just asserts another fake statistic back?”

“That isn’t how this works,” responded Stohn, “hopefully Albert will learn when he gets his mark back”.

Four (if not even lower) to come.

Uh Oh! I Patted One of the SWOTVAC Alpacas and I Still Have Depression

This week, the UQ Life team has shown that its finger is firmly on the pulse of what students want out of their university experience. It’s alpacas. 

It’s always been alpacas. 

Research suggests that looking at an alpaca is the quickest and cheapest way to cure depression. That, alongside live music in the Great Court and a metric-tonne of kettle-corn. 

But the Obiter has discovered that some Law students feel that when the captive farm animals start rolling into campus, it’s a reminder that things are ‘not okay’.

Nadia Singh (19) (a pseudonym) shared her own, more harrowing story.  

‘I was promised that if I lined up for 15 minutes to touch an alpaca, my crippling anxiety about having 3 exams in 2 days would be cured.’ 

‘But I swear, when I made eye contact with the animal, it triggered an IBS flare up.’

‘Obviously, I’m now more stressed.’

Other students reported being misled that they could cuddle some puppies in the Union Complex, only to find that the dogs were geriatric and generally distrustful of humans. 

Thankfully, the Law School’s student wellbeing team - including Dony Rodriguez and Katelyn Maccarone - remain faithfully stationed on Level 2 of the Law Library, giving out muesli bars and reminding people what happiness looks like. 

More to come.

"Vote Yes To The Voice?! But I watch the Block!"

Damien Smith [20], is a fan of the simple things in life. Footy, beer, skipping lectures, and watching yuppies from Sydney and Melbourne renovate houses. With all this talk of 'The Voice' going around, Damien spoke with The Obiter via Zoom to get his take in to the national conversation.

"I just think it goes against the Australian values of hard work, mateship, and equality. With the Voice, it's not like you have to work hard at it, you're just born with the ability to sing. On the Block, you watch some real work, even the girls are up before dawn on the tools, none of that airyfairy shit you see with all this Voice stuff. Like the Masked Singer, that's the weirdest thing I've seen on TV since I was in nappies and watching 'In the Night Garden.'"

"I've seen that Albo is in on it too with this announcing of a referendum. Doesn't seem very Labor, the unions usually stick up for the little man. Pretty bloody odd when Big Petey Dutton is the only one talking sense. I know he's voting against the Voice." 

"Yesterday, I called up Sky News, we see the Voice the same way. So I started saying about how the people on the Voice don't have to work hard and just do well from it because they were born that way, and the fella on the other end was agreeing. He even said that they want to steal our land! How are they gonna renovate houses if Sonia Kruger buys everything on the market!" 

“Then he mentioned Indigenous people for some reason. I study business with a few, and we all watch the Block. Not sure why they’d be supportive of the Voice.  

"Some people are still just racist I suppose."

He was interrupted by John Farnham's 'You're the Voice' blaring from the speakers of his iPhone 14.

"Sorry, I've got to take this, it’s Deloitte. Good talking to you mate."

[The Obiter supports the Indigenous Voice to Parliament]

 

You Won't Believe These 3 Events the UQ Law Revue Accurately Predicted

All aboard the Stupolar Express - it’s nearly time for the 2023 UQ Law Revue. 

If you needed more convincing to buy tickets to this year’s show (August 24th-26th, people!!), here is a list of three globally significant events that the Revue writers have accurately predicted. 

1. Three house cats would go on an 8 minute, sexually charged adventure into the outside world, ending in the untimely death of a baby koala. 

While this particular scene from the 2022 Revue was described by many as “unhinged” and “weirdly horny”, the Obiter can exclusively confirm that this happened in Taringa a few weeks ago. Spooky, huh? 

2. Izzie Horsley would go on a date with Oliver Twist at the Howard Smith Wharves. 

This one came to us from a source close to Mr Twist, who said the pair were seen last Thursday sinking Aperols and picking pockets at the famous venue. Izzie was unavailable for comment, except to say “buy tickets to the show, bitches”. 

3. Luke Allen would shit himself live on the Today Show. 

You may remember the Clem7 tunnel Revue sketch, where Luke Allen, the hapless radio operator, is struck by a case of the Bali Belly. This actually foreshadowed a real event, as during a ‘meet the intern’ segment at 9 News, Luke was interviewed by Karl Stefanovich himself. It must have been a nerve-wracking time, because it was difficult to miss the stain on the back of Luke’s chinos… 

So, if you want a peak at what the future has in store, buy tickets here for this year’s Revue: https://premier.ticketek.com.au/shows/show.aspx?sh=STUPOLAR23&fbclid=IwAR3Xb3gV6CqOcRHu9seTeb4pTdJMJkSQhtbDbknearN3My2ZIEei9XHFE-k. 

Disclaimer: The Obiter is a satirical news site. None of the above events actually occurred in real life. It would be really weird if they did.