‘Mmmmmmmmm that’s the stuff,’ muttered presidential candidate Fergus Geary as he drew in a cloud of tar from his imported Cuban.
A thick plume of smoke could be seen trailing out of the UQLS office as the nominee sat relaxed, seemingly unperturbed by the first-year wheezing on the floor outside. The asthmatic student’s negative attitude to smoking did not seem to bother Geary in any way, who simply stated ‘If you can’t have fun, get out. If you don’t love it, leave.’
The Obiter caught up with Fergus to discuss his campaign. While the UQLS office is not officially Mr. Geary’s just yet, it appears that the heavy cloud of nicotine has scared off any of the current executive or would be users of the space.
We asked Fergus if he was worried that any of the current executive would ‘dob him in’ or whether this would hinder his run.
‘Not to worry, chief, I’ve had those squares ‘detained until further notice’ so there won’t be any of that bullshit goody two-shoes nonsense that this society has come to expect.’
Some of that ‘bullshit goody two-shoes nonsense’ seems to have been a strict policy against smoking five cigars by 11.30am, and the importance of that policy grew ever apparent as the dying coughs of the first-year grew ever louder, as the young man continued his seemingly inevitable march toward lung failure and death.
At this point, we heard a faint banging, and muffled cries of ‘Help, we are the current executive,’ from the one of the storage cupboards. As if on cue, men adorned in hi-vis scurried through the door and taking measurements and removing items.
‘I’ve imported the finest marble from a recently uncovered Venetian ruin and let’s just say this statue will highlight some of my more… impressive features. Whiskey, gentlemen?’
At this point a small crowd had gathered outside the office as the writhing asthmatic was being stretchered out of the library. Onlookers could be seen peering in to make sense of what was happening. With his trademark calm, Fergus reached towards a large Waterford crystal decanter and goblet set.
‘Don’t worry this is simply a temporary measure, once I’ve leveraged the UQLS’ budget and purchased 1600 Sir Fred Schonell Drive, we will establish a far more thorough base of operations.’
There will be so much more to come.