University student and reported ‘pervert’ has just disturbed a kitchen full of his fellow students, using the communal sink to drain his small tin of tuna. We have the exclusive scoop on these sickening events which unfolded in the Walter Harrison Law Library.
Caught in conversation, the students were initially unaware of the horror that was about to ensue. But as the pungent aroma of three-day old tuna liquid filled the room, the students knew exactly what was happening. Almost as disgusting as the smell of the tuna-water draining from the can was the sound emanating from the student who was pouring it. Our unconfirmed reports suggest the student was licking his lips and whispering ‘…tuna, tuna, looks delish, make your home between my lips.’
The sick, disgusting perpetrator is believed to be fifth-year Advertising/Law student, Ryan Bryson. With the help of CCTV footage, library security has been able to identify Ryan, and are now in the process of figuring out where his next tute is, so they can ‘ask him a few questions.’
Meanwhile, as the investigation continues, the public outcry from students have grown stronger and stronger. The TCB School of Law has been placed under enormous pressure to implement a full internal investigation as to how such horror could have happened in such a happy place – the home of food. The communal kitchen.
The Obiter were able to glean insight into this sick bastards’ ways by talking to an ex-tuna-drainer-addict, and the woman responsible for the famous ‘Tuna Incident of 1972,’ Sheena Glassey. According to Sheena, ‘…it starts as just a way to ensure you’re not eating tuna that’s swimming in canned water. But then… it becomes all you can think about. All you can dream about. You’re obsessed with that rush, that sweet, sweet rush… Actually, come to think of it, you guys have any tuna?’
Unfortunately, that interview concluded with Sheena’s addiction resurfacing. But until library security are able to secure the freak who drained the tuna, Mr. Bryson, we advise students to walk in pairs. Stay safe out there.