As the Federal election looms, Prime Minister Scott Morrison is sparing no expense his attempts to win the votes of Queenslanders.
In a major policy speech in Brisbane’s iconic Paddington Tavern this week, the embattled leader laid out his vision for what he’s already calling ‘a big fuck-off tat of the King of Lang Park down my neck.’
‘This vision for Queensland, that of an inking that will keep even the drunkest dickheads at the Eatons Hill Hotel out of my fucking face, is the kind of bold policy initiative that Queenslanders will not see from a Shorten Labor Government.’
The Prime Minister then used a series of aggressively homophobic slurs to describe Shorten, including one that was clearly made up on the spot, before biting an ibis’ head off, Osbourne-style (that being rock artist Ozzy Osbourne, rather than the Valley’s popular watering hole, The Osbourne).
‘Welcome to Paddington, dickheads!’ the PM bellowed.
The neck tattoo, of a naked Wally Lewis drinking a schooner of unfiltered Brisbane river water, was only the beginning of the proposal.
At press time, ScoMo had entered the fourteenth hour of a further sleeve tattoo session that he hopes will allow him to wiggle further into the mind of ordinary men and/or blokes.
Holding back tears and gripping his wife’s hand, Morrison panted, ‘To understand your average Aussie bloke, I must become him,’ as he bore the excruciating pain of the tattooist’s needle.
‘I’m down to earth. I’m a man/bloke. I’m listening to the working class. If that means getting skulls, snakes, a Southern Cross, and Ned Kelly’s famous last words ‘Such Is Life’ incorporated into a sleeve tattoo that covers most or all of my arm, so be it,’ Morrison whispered through deep breaths.
After the session, an exhausted Morrison was crying into Jenny’s shoulder, crying ‘Who are you, dammit!’ as the tattooist in the dimly lit Bankstown studio begun work on a huge, fair dinkum ‘Fuck Off, We’re Full’ graphic across Morrison’s stomach.
More to come from the Prime Minister’s pained screams.