Saucy wings. Chilled beers. Tosses, tackles and a whole lot of Tom.
The Super Bowl is a day when the American people put their differences aside, pick them up again and then move them to a footballing context.
In recent years, the football has become just as much about what happens on the field as it has what happens, well still on the field, but before the on-field action starts. It’s on the field but not the game, it’s like the pre-game stuff. Which happens on the field.
Protests and political activism have injected football with an unprecedented cultural relevance. While Colin Kaepernick’s stand against police brutality caught the activism world’s eye, the trend towards harnessing the power of sport to spread a message has not stopped there.
During yesterday’s clash, sports reporter Buck McSport was not who he said he was. In actuality, Mr McSport was Pitchfork music critic Aristotle McMusic. Mr McMusic had posed as a Superbowl correspondent in order to enter the press area.
However, upon gaining access to the high-profile zone, Mr McMusic waited until the halftime show before revealing his true motivations.
Maroon 5 have engaged in acts of musical brutality ever since that one good album about Jess or Jane or someone. When they were booked for the fabled halftime performance, Mr McMusic knew he couldn’t stand idly by and watch Adam Levine try to act all sexy and that.
Mr McMusic decided to take a brave stand by not standing at all. As the rest of Atlanta and, indeed, America stood and watched Maroon 5’s performance with a patriotic ‘meh, I liked their first album’, Mr McMusic took a knee in protest.
As Levine and his merry me njammed to ‘Moves Like Jagger’ with all the charm and electricity of a crumpet, McMusic bowed his head and kneeled.
‘Some call it inflammatory,’ McMusic told The Obiter. ‘I call it resistance.’
Unfortunately, due to the swirling crowds around Mr McMusic, his taking a knee lead to him being swamped and trampled. Hospitalised with several broken bones, the Pitchfork writer claimed he was ‘brutalised’ for his act of ‘undeniable musical bravery.’ When we pointed out that taking a knee in literally any crowd is likely to lead to physical injury, he called us the ‘Greta Van Fleet of satirical internet writing.’
Cold. No more to come from this prick.