A fresh prodigy has been unearthed in the NRL this weekend, with Cronulla Sharks junior Matthew McFielding reportedly displaying ‘incredible, unbelievable talent,’ the likes of which have never been seen.
Matthew has absolutely blown past the typical goalposts of an NRL career, such as a publicised cocaine scandal, or a urine fetish incident, and has shown his prodigious skill by moving straight to horrific domestic abuse.
‘The kid’s a natural. We’ve never seen anyone like him,’ said Phil Gould, breathlessly, watching footage leaked by the NRL Integrity Unit of Matthew becoming sickeningly drunk, angry, and charging full-throttle into a violent altercation with his partner of two years at the Treasury Casino.
‘Some players learn over a number of years, and they become true ‘greats’ late in their career, by pretending to root their mate’s dog, or punching a bloke at a nightclub,’ shared rugby league legend Ray Warren in an interview with The Obiter.
‘But Matthew just has such brilliant instincts for the game, he knows where to be, he knows how the game will flow, and he knows that there is no CCTV at the Treasury Casino to catch him should he assault his partner.’
‘Oh hang on, I might have to check that last point,’ muttered Ray.
Queensland rugby league legend Les Kiss has refused to comment, instead informing The Obiter that we could meet him for a beer at his plaque outside Suncorp. Immediately doubting that ‘Les Kiss’ was a real name, we chose not to attend.
With Magic Round in the rearview mirror, and Matthew’s court date set for four weeks from now, punters are looking forward to infuriated conservative columnists preaching ‘burden of proof’ as Matthew has been suspended until his trial’s conclusion.
Truly, this kid is something else.
No more to come.