Given the strength of the response to Tuesday’s Kirby article, we’ve decided to press on with our incredible formula for comedy, which boils down to ‘[public figure] + [random law library cliche] = dazzling pieces of satire.’ In keeping with that tradition, we are enormously proud to present this unparalleled comic achievement, which has taken countless painstaking hours to put together, concerning the struggle of Australian icon, and son of Steve, Bob Irwin to find a seat in the Law Library.
‘Crikey! The crocs wouldn’t mind eating an Economics student,’ thought Bob Irwin as he wandered through the Law Library, battered bucket of kangaroo meat to feed the crocs in hand, completely unable to find a seat.
In town for a Crocodile Science seminar later this evening, Bob thought it best to get a start on the seminar prep due tomorrow, and elected to find a seat in the Law Library to fulfil that raw passion for seminar preparation.
However, much to Bob’s horror, shock, and fair-dinkum disgust, he found it completely impossible to secure a seat in the library. Strewth, Bob, it sounds like that seminar preparation might be in doubt!
‘This is cooked,’ he informed The Obiter in a hushed interview near a crowd of giggling fourth-year Law students discussing how ‘old’ they must look to first-years, boldly assuming first-years give a flying fuck about how old fourth-years look like. Also there’s mature aged students in first-year, I don’t think 52-year-old Karen thinks you look old, you spotty 21-year-old child.
‘I find it completely abhorrent that I can’t even squeeze myself into a little corner somewhere to get some quality work done. It was easier to find a seat in Chief Justice Warren Burger’s Burger Court!’
The above comment from Bob is particularly alarming, as many would rightfully think that Bob isn’t an ex-US Supreme Court Justice, let alone one from the 1970s. But nevertheless, in our interview with Bob as he awaited a free seat, he made some fairly inflammatory comments regarding the use of the Due Process clause as the constitutional basis for finding a woman’s right to an abortion in the US, as per Roe v Wade. This is not to say Irwin seeks anything less than an unfettered right to safe, legal, abortions, but rather, he thinks the issue of standing should’ve prevented Roe being heard, as the foetus in question had already been born, and thus there was no actual case or controversy. However, in discussions with audiences at Australia Zoo, Bob has consistently asserted his faith in Planned Parenthood v Casey, amongst others, as appropriate judicial determinations of constitutional rights. Frickin’ crikey, mate!
After we pointed out to Bob Irwin that he had a seat literally reserved for him at the Burger Court (again shocking that this young man is firm in his belief he served under Chief Justice Warren Burger) he muttered ‘the interview is over,’ before walking up to The Void in an optimistic attempt to find a seat there.
You’re going to have to get up earlier than that to find a seat, Bobby Irwin! By which I mean literally 3am. It’s rough out there.
I could go for a chicken katsu curry right now, but only if pressured. More to come.