Covering their ears and shrieking in pain as the high-pitch radio frequency shook buildings and shattered windows across Australia’s entire eastern seaboard, Australians across the nation cowered in terror yesterday morning as the Splendour in the Grass organizers unveiled their new media communications strategy.
Beaming the festival’s 2019 lineup directly to the brains of all 25,010,938 Australians. We’re only recovering from it, and hence able to write about it, this morning, but the ringing in our ears is unlikely to dissipate anytime soon.
Setting off car alarms and making dogs cower in their kennels, our sources and personal experience indicate that the high-pitch frequency featured a demonic, disembodied voice announcing the festival’s headliners one by one in a flat, monotonous tone.
Whilst normally the phrases ‘Chance The Rapper,’ and ‘Tame The Impala,’ and ‘Childish The Gambino,’ are stated with joy, this monotonous drone seemed almost threatening in its relentless dissemination of the 2019 lineup.
Widespread power outages were reported in all major Australian cities as hospitals were forced to rely on emergency generator power during the episode.
Accounts differ, but it appears the voice threatened to cut off Matt Corby’s fingers one by one, before brutally murdering him, if all Australians did not immediately send a message to their group chats asking their friends if they had seen the line up and whether they would be buying tickets.
At press time, the sidewalks were littered with the carcasses of thousands of dead birds that had dropped from the sky.
More to come, we fear.