For some time now, the Cooke household has been tense. While David Cooke’s affinity for free shit has been a common theme throughout his life, only now is it beginning to cause concern for his family. According to his eldest daughter Lily, things have gotten out of control.
“He won’t stop watching fucking SBS On-demand.”
The embattled teen says that what began with a fairly innocuous recommendation from some dolt at her father’s work to watch Jiro Dreams of Sushi has snowballed into a full-blown addiction to Scandinavian crime drama.
David’s three children all claim to regularly see their father glued to his iPad for up to nine hours at a time while using the streaming service.
“I never get to fucking play Doodle Jump anymore!" sobs fourteen year old Bella, the youngest of the family.
Sources close to the bargain hunter say that the app has catapulted itself into third position on Cooke’s favourite digital hobbies, just behind sending poorly punctuated text messages and never closing any apps on his phone. At press time, Mr Cooke was quick to jump on the defensive. “I’m the bloody paterfamilias, I can watch what I bloody well please!” stated the 54 year old, apparently having absorbed some of that weird Roman period drama he’s been getting into.
While the loss of paternal figures to budget streaming services continues to grind down family values nationwide, CEO of the SBS Michael Ebeid says that “it’s all gravy”. “I’m getting paid like 4 cents for every 40 minutes of mediocre television this bloke watches! Dollar Dollar Bills y’all!”
Dollar Dollar Bills indeed.