The Queensland state government’s lockout laws have again come under fire, with the tough restrictions on the service of alcohol set to cause some serious issues at midnight Christmas mass.
Reverend Mark Tomlinson, of the St. Paul’s Coorparoo parish, was informed by police officers this morning that if he sought to serve wine at any midnight mass, he would be arrested and charged for contravening Queensland’s strict liquor laws. When the Reverend pointed out that he was technically serving the blood of Christ, rather than wine, the officers responded with a sharp ‘bullshit, mate.’
‘It’s wine, mate. And to be honest, if you were serving the blood of someone, that would arguably be a far bigger issue than contravening liquor laws. Let’s just pretend this conversation didn’t happen, alright?’
The decision, made by both the Queensland Police Service and the State Government, has drawn controversy for its ‘nanny-state’ approach to the religious celebrations that surround Christmas.
A parishioner in Redcliffe indicated her disappointment with the laws, suggesting she doesn’t see ‘...how this could impact on violence in the Valley precinct.’ With a typically blunt response, a Government spokesman suggested ‘clearly you’ve never faced the violence, the intoxication, the aggression of a pack of fifty-something churchgoers at 1am.’
When contacted for comment, the Pope has indicated that whilst he is disappointed churchgoers won’t be able to sip from the cup of Christ whilst celebrating his birth, at least they’ll be able to eat his body.
After making the above comment, Queensland Police burst in to arrest the ‘cannibal’ Pope Francis for the ‘relentless eating of bodies.’ At press time, he is still trying to inform the officers of the basic tenets of the Catholic faith.
Intriguingly, we imagine there will be lots more to come.