A young man’s dashing attempt to passionately consummate a Friday-night fling has been dashed on the rocks, after his overexcited, misguided text of ‘On my way on a Lime scooter!’ revealed him to be a massive, massive dork.
With his bulky white helmet on, and his white knuckles wrapped around the handle of a Lime S-1 Scooter, Commerce student Jack Cotterman (20) had a heart full of desire as he zipped along the streets of Brisbane at no more than the legally-mandated 27km/h. After all, he’d just received confirmation from a young lady that a hookup could be on the cards.
The young lady, who will remain nameless, wrote to Jack in a text stating ‘Come over now!’ It was if almost nothing could go wrong.
Buoyed by the opportunity to break a four-month dry spell, Jack left his mates straightaway upon receiving the text, and found the nearest Lime he could (which wasn’t very far away, seeing as they are an extremely convenient mode of transport).
And then, as if in Act III of a five-act Shakespearean epic, or about one-third into a 20-minute sitcom episode, disaster struck. Tragedy reared its ugly head. A complication arose.
Our intrepid hero made the most horrific mistake he could. Thinking it appropriate to inform the young lady of his immediate plans, he responded with, and we’re not making up how many exclamation marks there were, ‘Awesome!! On my way on a Lime scooter right now!!!!!!!!’
The silence from the other end of the phone was deafening. Four fateful minutes passed, Jack’s heart sinking as he gazed upon the complete absence of a reply. And then, a handful of dots indicated she was typing.
Maybe she would say ‘hurry up,’ or ‘that sounds great and environmentally conscious!’ But deep down, Jack knew his text was one of the most virginal things he could’ve said outside of ‘I love Rick & Morty!’
‘Actually, I’m tired. Gonna go to bed. Talk later.’
Boom. The Lime scooter screeched to a rapid halt, as did Jack’s inflamed libido. He’d blown it. For the third time this weekend. Trudging back to his mates on foot, Jack began to wonder how he’d spin this story to his ‘banter king’ friends. Ultimately, there he was little he could do, as the slings and arrows of outrageous banter began to rain upon his beleaguered shoulders.
Live long and prosper, mate. And next time, just get an Uber.