It is once again March 17, St Patrick’s Day! The river goes green in Chicago, the Guinness flows in Dublin, and the self-identifying Irish-Australians clock off work early to “Celebrate and important cultural holiday.”

Standing in line at Gilhooleys, The Obiter had the luck to overhear Owen McDonagh (22) try his chances with an Irish backpacker.

“Yeah so I’m actually Irish, the DNA test on Ancestry.com put me at 60% Irish, which basically makes me the same as you guys.” Perhaps in hope for a free drink from the intoxicated Commerce student, she let him keep talking.

“Conor McGregor! Paddy the Baddy! I’m a Catholic as well actually, I went to Terrace, you might have heard of it? Yeah, it’s the best Catholic School in Queensland.”

Owen then went on to explain to the young lady that he supports Irish owned businesses as he only buys XXXX from Dan Murphy’s.

“Wanna hear my Irish accent?” He bent over in a racist caricature of a drunken Irishman, slurring his words as he spoke, “top o da mornin to ye, fek da Protestants and up da Pope!”

The lass went quiet, leaving our brave hero confused.

“Kiss me I’m Irish? Nice shirt. Ye ever heard of a Belfast kiss?” she finally said. The trap was set. Owen leaned in, closing his eyes, unaware of his surroundings.

A pint of Guinness smashed over his head, sending him to the ground. He looked up at his attacker.

“Me pa was shot by the IRA ye bastard. Fek ya!”

She stormed off, her hair and loyalty both orange.

The ambulance pulling up outside indicates there is no more to come.