Third-year UQ Science Student, and all round fuck up, Matthew Craster (20), is reeling today from the realisation that the P&F Committee of Jimboomba State School will never again do all his work for him.
Only this morning realising that Mothers’ Day is upon him, Matthew has desperately been searching for an adequate present to thank his mother Sandra for her years of love and support, whilst also not breaching the $20 mark.
‘I just don’t have the kind of coin to be making a big splash right now,’ said Matthew in a prepared statement at press time. The statement surprised many of the journalists in attendance, who had personally witnessed his $149 spend at Friday’s just two weeks ago.
In a lengthy address, Cook criticised the lack of support from primary school P&F organisations around the country for 20-something year old men.
‘Back in the ‘Boomba, I could snag a quality magnet set and scented candle from the stall for like $11 and I’d be cruising. But now, I just don’t have that kind of support.’
‘The mug I was scoping out today at Target was like $13 - pretty steep! And didn’t even have a wholesome slogan on it like the stall ones.’
Questioned on the adequacy of his objectively awful gift, Cook stated ‘I guess I’m just hoping that my years of ineptitude academically, socially and financially will lower her expectations enough that she finds joy in a mug.’
The press stood and applauded.
Keep fighting the good fight Matty boy. Plenty more to come.