Devastating news has been reported by Al Jazeera, the little brother of The Obiter. At 0600 hours this morning, the cruise ship ‘Ovulation of the Seas’ signalled for help off the coast of Somalia. Their radio operator reports being followed by a big red boat overnight, before it came alongside the ship, crew firing machine guns into the hull of the Ovulation.
The cruise ship was quickly boarded, and passengers subdued.
Secret phone footage broadcast from one passenger shows a the leader of the pirates, a tall, mean-looking white man with an eyepatch, big hat and a sword with a feather as a blade, strolling across the ship, barking orders.
The Obiter has also uncovered a new audio transcript from the bridge of the cruise ship. The transcript is as follows.
Shots firing, screams.
VOICE 1: Get down! Everyone get the fuck down!
VOICE 1: Move! Over there!
VOICE 2 (Captain Phil): Okay, okay! Take it easy!
VOICE 1: I said get down!
More shots fired.
CAPTAIN PHIL: Okay, I'm down, I'm down!
VOICE 3: Fuck off, stay right there! Put that down!
CAPTAIN PHIL: Alright, alright. Don't shoot them!
VOICE 1: You! You the captain?
CAPTAIN PHIL: Yes, that's me sir.
VOICE 1: Don't move.
Sounds of door slamming, opening.
VOICE 4: Well ahoy there me hearties!
CAPTAIN PHIL: Jesus Christ.
VOICE 4: Well who of you lovely lads and lassies be the captain?! Hehaha!
CAPTAIN PHIL: That's me.
VOICE 4: Yar, well ya look at me! Look at me, right in the eyepatch! I'm the captain now! Captain Feathersword!
Sound of a feathersword being drawn.
VOICE 4: Yahoooo!
Screams of tickling.
Captain Feathersword has requested a ransom of 5 million gold doubloons, and 2 free tickets to the next Wiggles concert.
No deaths have been reported, although five passengers were tickled within an inch of their life.
Stay tuned for more news from this harrowing story, with more to come soon.