3rd Year Arts/Law student and Greta Van Fleet fan Morgan Webster today shocked absolutely no-one by consuming an extraordinary mass of instant noodles, despite his rapid culinary education through a variety of YouTube channels.

Webster, who dubiously expresses his GPA of 5.12 to his father as “around 6”, has acquired an incredible amount of culinary knowledge over the last few months. A classmate of Webster’s, who wished to remain anonymous, claims they once witnessed him shaking his head and muttering obscenities while watching an amateur chef overcook risotto during a Criminal Procedure lecture.

However, despite his gastronomical intellect, Webster is unwavering in his commitment to never, ever, put his skills into practice.

For example, while Webster has an in depth understanding of the biochemical interactions that produce allicin in crushed garlic, he has never entertained the thought of actually using the ingredient.

“Yeah I guess I never really thought about it,” remarked Webster at press time, slurping noodles into his big fat mouth. “Now that I think about it, I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen garlic”.

It seems that Webster will never capitalise on the many hours he has spent watching Brad Leone ferment shit in place of doing, I don’t know, something even vaguely productive. Rather, he will continue to devour plate upon plate of bland, microwave-based gruel, sinking deeper and faster into his carbohydrate purgatory.

Good luck Morgan, and God speed.