The staunchly Christian rugby-playing community is in shock today, as research from the Institute for Posthumous Outing (funded by GetUp! and bizarrely, Mark Holden) has finally gotten to the bottom of one of humanity’s oldest inquiries.
Was Jesus Christ, the Son of God, the Messiah, the Saviour of Mankind... a lesbian?
The answer, according to lead researcher David Karnik, is yes.
‘We’ve uncovered fresh evidence from early Gospel fragments and the DNA on the Shroud of Turin, and quite frankly the findings were a surprise,’ said Dr Karnik at press time.
‘He had the lesbian gene.’
This undeniable evidence has shined a spotlight on dual international and former AFL shitkicker Israel Folau, who has frequently voiced his anti-LGBTQ views on social media, culminating in a particularly vicious post last night.
Ariana Grande, who somehow knew before the rest of us that God is a woman and didn’t want to share it with the class, has also received significant media attention.
Folau is said by a close source to be ‘devastated’ that his horribly homophobic social media posts would have offended the Son of God.
‘I have always followed Jesus’ teachings and they have guided me to great success,’ said Folau in a prepared statement.
‘That is why, with this news, I have decided to come out as a lesbian. God hates straights. I’m off to buy a DVD box set of every season of The L Word.’
Best of luck with your new ‘lifestyle,’ Izzy.
More to come!