In a move that can only be described as ‘suspicious,’ and ‘borderline dangerous,’ ex-Australian fast bowler, Mitchell Johnson, has enrolled in UQ Law mere days before the Suri Ratnapala Cup.
Johnson has described the decision to enrol as ‘academic enrichment,’ whereas the staff who will be taking the field to play the students in Sunday’s Suri Cup match have used the phrase ‘fucking terrifying.’
One of Australia’s premier quicks, Johnson retired from competitive cricket in May 2018, and has since focused on his burgeoning business career. At his best, Johnson could sling down left-arm thunderbolts, causing batsmen to be afraid for their lives as well as their wickets.
And as he is now technically a Law student, looks like he’ll be taking the field for the student team on Sunday! Nice, Mitch!
Middle-order batsman and medium-pacer for the Student XI, Lachlan Glaves, was reached for comment. He indicated that the team was ‘excited, but confused’ about Johnson’s willingness to play in a friendly match between students and professionals.
‘Obviously great that Mitch is getting around the team, but we all feel like there are better things he could be doing. He has a child. Why is he walking around UQ, muttering that Graham Orr better get ready for a broken fucking arm? I’m pretty sure that Graeme Orr is umpiring.’
In the nets, Johnson has been cranking it up in preparation for Sunday, already injuring two student batsman, before declaring them ‘weak,’ and deciding he will open the batting. Some strange aggression coming from a ‘fellow student.’
A member of the Staff/Professionals XI, Lewis Radford, expressed excitement about the chance to test his skills against one of Australia’s great fast bowlers.
‘Obviously, to be the best, you have to beat the best, and that’s what I’ll be doing on Sunday.’
A pause followed, as we saw glints of fear flash across Mr. Radford’s eyes.
‘Who am I kidding, I just want to live. I’m praying for Cyclone Oma to hit so I don’t have to face a ball.’
In response to these comments, Johnson declared, whilst twirling his comically long moustache that is hanging down to at least stomach-height, ‘Cyclone Oma? They’d better get ready for bloody Cyclone Johnson. Yew! I love cricket!’
Intriguing stuff from a first-year. We wonder how Johnson will do in Contracts, given Australian cricketers famously hate the seminar system of teaching, and would really appreciate a move back to tutorial-and-lecture.
Plenty more where that came from, champ.