After his crushing defeat at the hands of Novak Djokovic Sunday night, tennis legend Rafael Nadal has spent Monday doing a lot of soul searching.
Sources close to Nadal’s coaching staff revealed to The Obiter that their devastated athlete has watched the footage of last night’s decimation upwards of 3 times.
After engaging in careful analysis, focusing particularly on Djokovic’s dominance early in the first set, and his ability to close out the third set under pressure, the Spaniard has settled on the reason for his loss.
‘It’s an obvious error,’ Nadal revealed, suggesting he committed a ‘rookie mistake.’
‘In the third set, just before one of my more crucial serves, I very clearly forgot to breathe in, breathe out, count backwards from 13, and then stick the index finger of my right hand deep into my arse-crack.’
Nadal looked at the floor, ashamed.
‘Clearly, Novak was able to score so freely off my service game throughout the match due to this shocking lapse in focus from me. The rhythm I gain from the ‘13 & Crack,’ as I call it, is so crucial to my aggressive style.’
‘That is one of the first skills we are taught in tennis academy. My failure to dig deep into my own butthole and whisper ‘You Nadal And You Is Tennis, You Nadal And You Is Tennis’ to myself 3 times in Latin is the only reasonable explanation as to why Djokovic was able to succeed.’
However, Nadal has taken some solace in the revelation. ‘At the end of the day, my inability to perform a DIY courtside prostate exam facing northwest whilst humming Mozart’s 5th is the only reason I lost. It has nothing to do with my tennis! What a relief.’
With Nadal’s traditional hunting ground, the French Open, up next on the Grand Slam calendar, let’s hope the Spaniard can come to a comfortable place with his ass-digging routine.