Embattled ticketing service QPay has issued yet another apology to attendees of the 2018 UQ Law Ball.
An exasperated QPay, upon hearing that some students had to stand in a line for a bit, reportedly ran its hand through its hair while whispering “Jesus Christ.”
QPay received widespread criticism after the server crashed last month, creating difficulties for some students attempting to buy tickets to the Ball. Now, a mere month later, the service is once again under fire.
“QPay apologises unreservedly for the pain it has caused students,” read a statement released this evening. “When young people gather for a night of excessive drinking and socialising, they deserve unfettered perfection.”
“Students use evenings like Law Ball to forget about their stressful lives. We have since been informed that many students even had a 20% assignment due in the days leading up to this event. If we had known what you had sacrificed, we would never have deprived you of your fundamental human rights.
The statement continued: “We at QPay have assessed the situation and will instate a process whereby tickets will be much more difficult to purchase in the future. We will ensure a 45% increase in wait time, five times more crashes and will work with our partners at the ABN to generate further lag. Our engineers have already begun work on two more apps that will be required to purchase a Law Ball ticket in 2019.
“If we at QPay can place further barriers in the path of those wishing to attend a ball in a first world country that a group of their peers worked to organise, then we will free students from the stress of this pain. We will be a better company for it.”
At this point in the media conference, QPay became visibly upset. “I would also say this to all the young ticketing servers watching this today. When you make a decision think about who you’re affecting. You’re affecting your parents. When I’ve seen the way my old man…”
At this point. QPay broke down in tears, blubbing all over the microphones, in an impactful moment of QPay emotion. “My old man… and my Mum have been… I’m just so sorry.”
We at The Obiter can only hope that one day we will live in a world where every student, no matter which Grammar they attended, can dream of missing out on a law ball ticket.