Splendour organisers have yet again shown a brazen disregard for both the spirit of music festivals and basic tenets of natural law, slaughtering a music fan suspected of carrying alcohol into the camping ground.
A search, carried out post-mortem, revealed no traces of drugs or alcohol throughout the entirety of Kyle Hughes’ viscera. Hughes, a seventh year exercise physiology student, was reportedly asked by authorities to submit to a painfully thorough search, involving anaesthesia-free open heart surgery.
When he refused, on-sight doctors administered a lethal injection and the autopsy began.
An onlooker, who wished to remain anonymous, stated that it was ‘the most barbaric and awful act [they] had ever seen, until Russ’ set that afternoon.’
Officials have come under fire for committing the murder, with an Amnesty International statement labelling the act as ‘pretty dog.’
However, Splendour chief Julia Truman has defended the actions of her staff.
In a press release, Ms Truman stated that ‘Our number one priority at Splendour is always the safety of our patrons. While harvesting someone’s organs may be seen as a drastic step to achieve this goal, we believe it is absolutely necessary to ensure an enjoyable festival environment for all, especially the good folks at Smirnoff, whose hard earned would have been at risk if the young man’s ventricle did in fact contain a bottle of rum.
‘Luckily, thanks to the quick thinking of our security staff, it never came to that.’
Truman’s approach has been lauded by NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian, who was seen drinking what is believed to be Hughes’ blood outside the public hospital where his autopsy took place. Berejiklia sold the hospital to Chinese investors later in the day.
A tough day for Kyle Hughes. Tame Impala should be pretty good though.
No more to chum.